Throughout my marriage, the thought of divorce often crossed my mind. Each time, I worried about the holidays—those precious moments I would spend away from my child and the back-and-forth life he would lead. The mere idea of Christmas without him left me paralyzed with fear. How could I wake up on Christmas morning without my little one bouncing with excitement? No cookies left out for Santa, no Christmas pajamas waiting to be opened, and certainly no joyful giggles or wrapping paper chaos.
Two years ago, I found myself separated from my ex-husband. During the holiday season, we both agreed to celebrate at home with our son, as our split was still fresh. It seemed like the best option at the time. However, when we began the divorce process six months later, I braced myself for a lonely holiday. According to our separation agreement, our son would spend Christmas with his dad in even-numbered years. The thought of that devastated me. Tears streamed down my face as I read the document, mourning the loss of Christmas mornings filled with laughter and joy. I felt selfish and bitter.
Then, in September, I received news that my ex would be deployed overseas. This meant I would get to spend Christmas with my son this year—at least for now. As the months passed, I prepared myself for a quiet holiday, knowing that his father was back home and settled. Can you imagine waking up alone on Christmas, with only twinkling lights and untouched gifts for company? It’s a lonely picture, one that has brought me to tears more times than I can count. My son even caught me in one of my sad moments.
“Mommy, why are you so sad?” he asked innocently.
“Well, sweetheart, I’m just sad that I won’t get to see you on Christmas morning. That’s all.”
“You can just come to Daddy and Miss H’s house to see all my Santa presents. Wouldn’t that be fun?”
Oh, how I wish I could explain that this isn’t how divorce works, that he won’t always have both parents together for the holidays. Although he asks for it, our family will never be whole again under one roof.
In the past two years, life has taken us down separate paths. I’ve built a new life with someone special and worked hard to improve myself and my career. I’ve discovered strength in single parenting that I never knew I had. But, despite my progress, I still find it impossible to prepare for waking up alone on Christmas day.
My heart remains heavy because my family is fractured. I often wonder if any parent truly heals from the knowledge that their family is broken. Just this past Sunday, I asked my mom if I could join her for Christmas Eve. My new love is far away, and I simply can’t face the idea of waking up in an empty house filled with happy decorations, alone with only Cocoa the Elf to keep me company.
After two years of mentally preparing for this moment, I thought I would be ready, but the truth is, I’m still not there.
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Summary
This heartfelt reflection explores the challenges of spending Christmas apart from a child after a divorce. The author shares her emotional journey of preparing for what is often considered a joyous holiday, revealing the loneliness that comes with a fractured family. Despite efforts to find strength in new beginnings, the pain of separation lingers.