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My Parent is Now a Woman
by Jane Doe
Updated: Aug. 3, 2016
Originally Published: Nov. 2, 2012
Father’s Day is no longer a day of celebration for me. It’s not because my father has passed away—he’s very much alive. It’s just that my biological father has transitioned and is now living as a woman.
To clarify: the person who provided the sperm that led to my existence is now embracing life as a woman. Yes, she has a vagina now, wears makeup, and has swapped out her old wardrobe for dresses and skirts.
Mind blown? I wish it didn’t have to be that way. I long for a world where we fully embrace each person’s unique journey without judgment or hesitation. A place where personal transformation is met with understanding and love.
That said, I understand how challenging it can be to wrap your head around such changes, especially if you’ve never encountered them before. Just as my father took years to discover her true identity, I too needed time to embrace her transition.
I first learned about my father’s gender identity when I was in my mid-20s. My husband and I had gone to my parents’ house for a holiday celebration. Early in the day, my father asked to speak with us privately. My heart sank—was it bad news about his health?
Later that day, we sat down together, and without beating around the bush, he said, “There’s a woman inside of me, and I cross-dress sometimes to let her out.”
I was floored. I had braced myself for troubling health news, not this! I sat there, speechless, my mouth agape.
Thank goodness my husband jumped in. “Richard, we love you no matter who you are.”
My mind was screaming, “YES! What he said!” But all I managed to say was, “Do you have any pictures?”
My father chuckled, now Josephine, and happily shared photos. In that moment, despite my awkwardness, it was clear that we both accepted this new reality.
While I embraced Josephine’s new identity, I had to navigate the complex emotions that came with it. I sought help from a therapist to process my feelings of loss—loss of my father, the grandfather I envisioned for my children, and everything I thought our father-daughter relationship would be. But through this grief, I learned to celebrate her transition and the new beginning it offered.
Josephine, always the engineer, likened her transition to upgrading a computer: while the hardware (the exterior) was changing, the software (the essence within) remained unchanged. It’s a relatable analogy, one I wish more people could understand, so we can foster acceptance for our transgender friends and family.
Character, not gender, defines a person. Josephine is kind, generous, and loving—an amazing human being.
It’s disheartening to see how many adults struggle to understand Josephine’s transition. Sometimes, I skip the topic with certain friends because I worry about their reactions. Thankfully, kids are often more open-minded. They cut through the noise and get to the heart of the matter.
My daughter, for instance, when she was in preschool and working on her family tree, asked, “Mom, who is your father?”
I replied, “My father was a man named Richard. He felt like a woman inside, so she changed her outside to match. Now, that’s Grandma Jo.”
She pondered for a moment, touched my shoulder, and said, “How sad. You don’t have a dad. But I love Grandma Jo, and I’m happy to have her.”
Exactly! Even at such a young age, she understood the duality of sadness and joy in that transformation. We embrace our loved ones, even when their life experiences differ from our own.
Josephine has become the person she was always meant to be, and she’s truly happy. I’m happy for her too. Just because I no longer have a father doesn’t mean I lack a parent. I have a different kind of parent, a transgender parent.
However, celebrating my transgender parent during the Hallmark holiday season can be tricky. It doesn’t feel right to honor her on Father’s Day, as she no longer identifies with that title. And Mother’s Day doesn’t quite fit either since she doesn’t want to be called “mother.”
After some research, I discovered a lovely initiative by TransParentDay.org to celebrate Trans Parent Day on the first Sunday of November. It’s a day to honor our transgender parents, similar to Father’s Day and Mother’s Day. Unfortunately, it’s not a recognized holiday by Hallmark (perhaps I should start a petition).
So, on November 2nd and throughout the year, I’ll be celebrating Josephine and the important role she plays in my life. Despite the changes in “hardware,” she will always be my parent—and that’s worth celebrating.
For more insights on family dynamics and parenting, check out this article, or explore options with this resource for home insemination kits. If you’re considering fertility treatments, March of Dimes is an excellent resource.
Summary:
In this heartfelt reflection, Jane Doe shares her journey of understanding and accepting her father’s transition to Josephine, a woman. Despite initial shock and feelings of loss, Jane embraces her new identity as a parent. Josephine’s transformation challenges societal norms, prompting Jane to advocate for recognition and celebration of transgender parents, particularly through the creation of Trans Parent Day. The piece highlights the importance of love, acceptance, and understanding in navigating family dynamics.