Updated: Sep. 20, 2017
Originally Published: Aug. 2, 2012
Like many, I’ve faced my fair share of friendship losses. With every move I made, whether planned or not, came the inevitable cutting of ties. Each time I switched schools, I left friends behind, and as time passed, I experienced the fading of relationships due to diverging interests or irreparable conflicts. The echoes of those past friendships linger, their absence felt in different ways. The most painful of these losses came after I embraced motherhood. Losing my friends during this life transition was devastating, leaving me in a state of grief not only for the friendships themselves but for what they once symbolized in my life.
As children, our friendships are often dictated by circumstances—school assignments, extracurricular activities, or playdates set by our parents. However, as we mature, we learn that true friendships extend beyond obligation. In adulthood, our friends often reflect our values, interests, and stages of life. During my time in art school, I gravitated toward free-spirited creatives. In my early twenties, my circle consisted of nightlife enthusiasts, but as I grew older, I craved deeper connections—relationships that involved more than just late-night partying.
I sought friendships with women who could enjoy a night out dancing as much as they could share cupcakes or explore flea markets. We formed a tight-knit group that felt like family. But as life would have it, I soon transitioned into marriage and motherhood. Everyone celebrated my new beginnings, and we all believed our friendships would endure after my son arrived. I was determined not to lose my identity to motherhood. I considered myself an independent, modern woman, and I was sure that having a baby wouldn’t change who I was.
Then reality hit. I had a baby who refused to sleep, and suddenly, I found myself overwhelmed with depression and anxiety. My previous life, along with my friends, slipped away amidst the chaos of nap times, feeding schedules, and constant crying. I wasn’t the best mother, wife, or friend during this tumultuous time. It wasn’t that I no longer cared about my friends—I genuinely did—but fitting them into my new, demanding life felt impossible.
Friendships require nurturing, and mine withered as I became absorbed in the responsibilities of motherhood. I found myself in a vastly different world than my friends, who couldn’t fathom my new reality of sleepless nights and the all-consuming worry of keeping my son alive. They didn’t understand why I couldn’t join them for dinner or shopping; being apart from my son felt like part of me was missing. I constantly feared I was failing as a mother, anxiously wondering if things would ever improve.
Fortunately, I sought help. Therapy, medication, and a little sleep did wonders, but I also discovered the camaraderie of “mom” friends. I feel incredibly fortunate to have formed connections with other mothers who understood the unique challenges I faced. With them, I could be Jen the Mom, sharing stories of our children and supporting each other through the ups and downs. Yet, the loss of my old friendships still stung. I often miss the person I used to be.
Four and a half years after welcoming my first son and a year after my second, I feel like I’ve found my footing again. While I embrace my role as a mother, I still reflect on the person who wasn’t preoccupied with diapers and nap schedules—the adventurous, carefree woman who sometimes feels like a distant memory. I catch glimpses of her occasionally, but I know she’s transformed, much like the friendships that once defined me.
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Summary:
Losing friendships during the transition to motherhood can feel like losing a part of yourself. As life changes, the bonds that once defined us may fade, leaving us to navigate new identities and relationships. However, with understanding and support from new connections, it’s possible to embrace the journey of motherhood while cherishing the memories of who we once were.