I hate to admit it, but almost every conversation I have starts off the same way:
Other Person: “Hey, Sarah! How’s it going?”
Me: “Oh my gosh, I’m so tired. How about you?”
I’m tired for countless reasons. I have kids, a menagerie of pets, and my mind just doesn’t know when to take a break. I’m a bit of a neat freak, so while others are enjoying a quiet evening with a TV show or a book, you can find me scrubbing the fridge or organizing the game pieces in our board games. On top of all that, my partner snores like a freight train, our neighbors argue at all hours, and there’s a gang of the loudest birds you can imagine right outside my window, chirping away from dusk till dawn without a care in the world.
Health articles and websites suggest that my sleep issues could be linked to my thyroid, midlife hormones, or maybe I just don’t exercise or drink enough water. Sure, they might mention stress or caffeine, but they never say anything about massages, and I can’t be the only one who falls asleep within minutes when paying someone to pamper me. So I turn to my trusty friend, Google, hoping for answers.
Here’s a collection of some of the best sleep tips I’ve stumbled upon:
- Avoid alcohol before bed. I’m not sure how drinking earlier is supposed to help, but I’m open to trying it.
- Reduce stress. Wow, why didn’t I think of that? I could just quit my job, stop worrying about retirement, and maybe even put the kids up for adoption. Sounds easy, right?
- Get blackout blinds. Since I wake up long before the sun, I’m not convinced this will help, but any excuse to redecorate is welcome, so I’ll be browsing Overstock.com for some trendy window treatments.
- Limit exercise before sleep. Well, if that’s what the experts say.
- Have a light snack. A mini-meal with carbs and protein an hour before bed can help your brain make serotonin. Sounds scientific enough, and I do love a good grilled cheese sandwich in bed, so I’ll give this a shot.
- Don’t overindulge in snacks. Experts say too much food can keep you up. Clearly, these folks have never experienced the joy of a Thanksgiving feast followed by a glorious food coma.
- Cut back on daytime naps. Ha! The last time I napped was ages ago—thanks for the tip!
- Unplug your clock. Seriously? How would I know how late it is? I could always check my phone under the pillow, I suppose.
- Don’t sleep with your phone under your pillow. Really?
- Avoid bright lights at night. So you’re saying I shouldn’t turn on all the lights in the house as part of my relaxing pre-sleep routine?
- Limit caffeine. See point 10.
- Practice good sleep hygiene. This means sticking to a sleep schedule—even on weekends. My insomnia clearly doesn’t own a calendar, so I’ve got that covered.
Finally, just let it go. This isn’t professional advice, but it’s basically all we can do. We’ll sleep when we’re dead, right? So, next time you’re wide awake staring at the clock, why not surprise your partner with a little midnight fun? I bet if you do, they’ll take out the trash the next day without you even asking. Worth a try!
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Summary:
In this humorous take on sleeplessness, Sarah reflects on the myriad reasons she struggles to catch Z’s, from family chaos to expert advice that often misses the mark. Exploring a dozen “solutions” that range from the absurd to the practical, she embraces the reality of sleepless nights while finding lighthearted ways to cope.