I recently experienced a moment of disorientation—similar to when you misplace your car in a crowded parking lot. You know you parked it somewhere, right? After all, how else would you be standing in the middle of a shopping center, wrangling kids and a cart overflowing with groceries? Yet, until you spot it, you feel as if you’ve lost not just your vehicle but also your sanity. You begin to question whether you’ll ever find it again. That was precisely how I felt in my kitchen just a couple of weeks ago: lost amidst the chaos of parenting.
The joy that once came with motherhood had somehow drained the pleasure from my life. I was buried under a mountain of unmet commitments, frustrated that our bathrooms had gone uncleaned for over a month. Just earlier that day, my partner had remarked on my grumpy demeanor. As I prepared my daughter’s lunch for the following day, I felt like I was trudging through an endless series of tasks, desperate to get to the next. I felt utterly lost.
With young children—my daughter is three and a half and my twin boys are just one—some days feel like an unending grind. Between the babies’ cries and the countless diaper changes, I find myself yearning for time. Time to handle tasks that don’t revolve around the kids. Time to sit and breathe. Time with my partner. Time alone. Just time.
Parenting is undoubtedly the most selfless endeavor I’ve ever undertaken. Yet, paradoxically, it also makes me feel selfish. After a full day of being spoken to, touched, climbed on, and cried over, I often want to retreat to a place where I can be alone, a place where no one can reach me. I crave solitude; I don’t want to communicate, be asked for anything, or even be touched.
My friends and partner bear the brunt of my frustration, while my kids become the target of my selfish thoughts. When my boys are fighting sleep, all I can think is: “Shut up! Go to sleep!” And when I’ve had enough of playing with my children, I can’t help but think about all the other things I would rather be doing.
They are my kids—three beautiful souls I am incredibly grateful to have. I wanted them more than anything, yet there are times when I long for a break from the very beings that bring me joy.
I usually wear my emotions on my sleeve, but it’s rare for me to reach a point of tears. That night in the kitchen, however, I broke down. My partner, Sarah, handled my tears far better than I would have. She lent an ear without jumping into fix-it mode. Instead, we talked about finding balance between my roles as a work-from-home and stay-at-home mom. She reminded me that this phase won’t last forever and helped me regain my faith, reassuring me that I’m not truly lost.
The woman I was before having kids is still within me, even if she’s a bit harder to access on some days. What keeps me grounded are those little moments that make parenthood so rewarding. A tea party with my daughter, the infectious giggles of my boys, or our first family hike—all of these memories are what I cherish. Sure, the lead-up to these moments can be exhausting, but it’s during these experiences that I genuinely feel found.
While my kids will remain young for several more years, I have faith that as they grow, we’ll be able to do more activities together and less for them. This thought fills me with optimism, reminding me to take a deep breath. The prospect of being able to focus on myself while still being involved in their lives is refreshing. However, the possibility of losing myself again, alongside the feeling of having misplaced my sanity and the trusty van that brought me here, lingers. But through it all, I know I have the tools to navigate this journey.
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Summary
Parenting often feels like a chaotic journey, leaving many parents feeling lost. This blog reflects on the struggles and self-discovery that come with motherhood, emphasizing the importance of personal time and balance in a busy family life.
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