Pregnancy Overview
Expecting a little one? Feeling a bit anxious? You’re in the right spot! Here’s a comprehensive yet lighthearted guide to your pregnancy journey.
THE FIRST TRIMESTER:
- You might end up with carpal tunnel syndrome after spending hours online, wondering if those pesky pelvic pains are just pre-period cramps or, gasp, signs of pregnancy! Then, you’ll find yourself googling “carpal tunnel” and “pregnancy” to see if there’s any link.
- Even if you’re trying to conceive, you might find yourself enjoying a glass of wine or a cigarette just days before that positive test.
- You’ll secretly love having an excuse not to suck in your stomach, although until your bump shows, it may just look like you had one too many tacos.
- Transvaginal ultrasounds? Think of them as sci-fi gadgets with a condom wrapped around them—quite the unexpected experience!
- There’s an unsaid competition between women who experience morning sickness and those who don’t.
- Unless you wear a neon sign that says “I’m pregnant!” people might assume you just got a breast enhancement.
- Hormones are a wild ride, and they should serve as your alibi if you elbow someone who steals your parking spot in front of your favorite bakery.
- You’ll be holding your breath until you reach the end of the first trimester.
THE SECOND TRIMESTER:
- You’ll spend a good chunk of time admiring your profile in any reflective surface. When your belly finally “pops,” you’ll feel like a celebrity—despite still looking a bit bloated.
- Hormonal outbursts remain valid, especially when your partner brings home the wrong flavor of ice cream.
- Get ready for some wild dreams! And not the whimsical fantasies; think more along the lines of those awkward teenage dreams that require fresh sheets.
- The first time you feel your baby move? It’s probably just gas.
- During the 20-week ultrasound, every baby looks a little like Voldemort. No judgment!
- It’s common for expectant moms to have daydreams about their OBGYN or midwife.
- Maternity bras? Not exactly a fashion statement.
- Bellabands? Total lifesavers!
- There’s another quiet rivalry among women regarding whether to find out their baby’s sex or to keep it a surprise.
- Your nipples might darken and may even leak—surprise!
- And yes, prepare for some serious flatulence during this trimester.
THE THIRD TRIMESTER:
- That sugary drink for the gestational diabetes test will make you reconsider all things sweet for a day. Pro tip: if given a choice, choose the yellow drink over the orange one.
- Sex? It turns into a game of naked twister.
- Spoiler alert: Cocoa butter won’t save you from stretch marks, so save your pennies.
- That “glow” you hear about? It’s really just sweat from the hormones.
- Getting off the couch? It transforms into a heroic feat, but consider it training for navigating the candy aisle at the grocery store.
- Some of your friends might be over the constant belly pics flooding your social media.
- Around this time, you’ll find yourself buying Mozart CDs and eco-friendly wooden toys, judging other parents who let their kids blast rap music and play with plastic toys from who-knows-where.
- If your healthcare provider checks your cervix during a Braxton Hicks contraction, you’ll want to kick them—just be careful not to fall off the table!
- You might feel like a beached whale, but trust me, you’re beautiful.
- And that mucous plug? Imagine it as a giant loogie hocked by your lady bits.
- Want to go into labor on time? Forget to pack that overnight bag, skip the leg shave, and definitely don’t get a pedicure!
BIRTH:
- You may feel like you want to throw in the towel.
- You might also find yourself wanting to strangle the person who put you in this situation.
- Expect a bit of screaming, kicking, and possibly some accidents. More than once.
- At some point, you’ll realize you can handle this, and you will.
- Pitocin isn’t evil, but it might cause more bleeding than you bargained for.
- You might even consider bribing the anesthesiologist for that epidural. Remember, while birth is natural, you have every right to manage your pain.
- When you feel the need to have a long, private meeting in the bathroom, it’s likely time to start pushing.
- You may find yourself developing a fondness for someone in the delivery room—not your partner, mind you.
- No amount of olive oil or perineal massages will prevent tearing. And if you didn’t tear, we might just be a bit envious of you.
- Words can’t capture the relief that washes over you when your baby finally arrives.
And yes, it’s all worth it—even those unforgettable dreams during the second trimester!
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Summary:
This guide offers a humorous yet honest look into the rollercoaster journey of pregnancy, from the excitement and anxiety of the first trimester through to the challenges and joys of birth. Remember, you’re not alone in this adventure!