Traveling with toddlers can feel akin to swallowing shards of glass while trying to sip salt water—both painful and chaotic, with a high chance of someone getting hurt. I learned this lesson the hard way a few summers back.
In the spring of 2009, we fancied turning a job interview trip into a mini family getaway. Spoiler alert: It was a terrible idea, and I wouldn’t recommend it, no matter how budget-friendly it may seem. Picture this: twelve long hours on the road with a lively 4-year-old and a barely 2-year-old. Trust me, it was even worse than you can imagine.
My sweet girls, who usually love to snuggle, weren’t fans of being strapped into those five-point harnesses even on short trips. Now, imagine their state of mind during their inaugural long-distance drive, confined in those claustrophobic contraptions. I would have gladly leaped out of the car if someone had tried to buckle me into one of those torture chairs for twelve hours straight.
Every twenty minutes, my oldest, Lily, chimed in with the age-old question, “Are we there yet?” I used to chuckle at that cliché, but now I understand its true meaning in the realm of parenting. The incessant questioning can push even the most patient parent to the brink of insanity, leaving them on the verge of tears if asked enough times.
Meanwhile, my youngest, Emma, was in full meltdown mode over a gnat. Yes, just a gnat. It must have been the most terrifying insect ever, as she screamed like it was a baby-eating monster for a solid three hours. Oh, the humanity!
In summary, my 4-year-old was relentless with her “Are we there yet?” inquiries, while my 2-year-old was locked in a battle against an imaginary beast, resulting in a cacophony of toddler screams that could probably summon every dog in the vicinity. I was precariously close to losing my sanity, and my poor husband was contemplating a visit to the nearest gunsmith for some… assistance.
With my bag of tricks failing and the 1200 DVDs I packed proving ineffective, we resorted to coloring and singing only the songs they knew. “Twinkle, Twinkle,” “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” and that Subway jingle, “Five, Five Dolla… Five Dolla Footlong!” played on repeat. It was cute the first hundred times, but someone needed a lesson in moderation. Intermittently interrupted by Lily’s relentless “Are we there yet?” we decided to stop for a much-needed lunch at a Wendy’s in West Virginia. Not my best idea—have you seen Wrong Turn?
After ordering, I found myself supervising the kitchen staff’s efforts to cook my kids’ chicken nuggets while my food grew cold. Suddenly, a fly decided to join our table. Chaos erupted! The toddlers were jumping, crying, and running away as if it were a dragon instead of just a fly.
In a moment of desperation, I took off my flip-flop and squashed the pesky intruder right there in front of the other patrons. Mortified, I didn’t expect the next comment from Emma, who screamed, “EWWWW, FAArTED. Stinks!” I scuttled out of that Wendy’s with my daughters in tow, feeling like a walking disaster. Turns out, she hadn’t farted at all—she had blown out her diaper. Fun times.
In the end, we might have come out a little worse for wear, but I consider it a testament to our family’s resilience that we made it to our destination without losing our minds—bypassing any asylums or gun shops along the way, save for that poor fly at Wendy’s.
For more humorous parenting tales, check out this link to our terms and conditions. And for those interested in the journey of parenthood, be sure to visit Cryobaby’s at-home insemination kit, an authority on this topic. Additionally, UCSF’s Center is an excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination.
To summarize, road trips with toddlers can be chaotic and overwhelming, but they also provide unforgettable memories (even if some are a bit cringe-worthy). Just remember to pack your patience, a good sense of humor, and maybe a fly swatter or two!