The feeling of guilt is a heavy burden I carry—guilt about working, about not working, and the struggle to find comfort in either choice. The reality of working mom guilt? It’s relentless.
I once believed that being a stay-at-home mom, while also juggling some freelance work, would provide the ideal balance. Instead, I often feel like I’m failing at both roles. When I do manage to work, I can’t shake the nagging thought that my son is missing out on my attention.
Before motherhood, I envisioned a serene scene: typing away on my laptop, crafting a screenplay or editing films, while my children played quietly with imaginative, eco-friendly toys at my feet. However, the truth is often quite different. If I need to focus on a project during my son’s awake time, I find myself resorting to putting on an episode of Sesame Street or letting him engage with some “educational” Disney games online.
There have been conference calls where I found myself still in my pajamas, cleaning up the aftermath of mac and cheese spills while my son sat quietly, bribed by the promise of ice cream if he could keep it down for just half an hour.
At the local playground, I mostly see nannies. I’ve formed friendships with a few, and it hits me how their sole responsibility is to provide undivided attention to the kids. They fill the days with activities and outings, while my son is lucky if we make it to the park once a day. Even then, I often find myself sneaking in a quick email or two.
Let me clarify: my son isn’t parked in front of the TV for hours on end. I limit his screen time to no more than an hour a day, often just thirty minutes. I try to squeeze in work during his naptime or after he’s asleep. We venture to libraries, museums, and parks, but on an average day, he also tags along to the bank or a coffee meeting. He isn’t receiving my complete attention.
I can’t help but feel the weight of others’ perceptions. My partner, Mark, often asks, “Did you finish that project today? Did he take a long nap?” Or my mother-in-law, who innocently remarked while discussing potential moves, “Wait, don’t you work full-time now?” No, I don’t. I work for the duration of a Little Einsteins episode, during a nap, and for a couple of hours after bedtime. I felt defensive, as if she assumed I was always glued to my computer.
I could easily step back and be a full-time stay-at-home mom since Mark is the primary breadwinner. My son would certainly appreciate having my full attention. It would take off some of the guilt that weighs on me daily.
But I know I would lose a part of myself. I’ve been involved in acting and filmmaking since high school; it fuels my passion and keeps me engaged, even when it’s frustrating. Sometimes I feel a twinge of resentment. Mark doesn’t have to make the same sacrifices I do. While he misses our son during long work hours, society frames him as a dedicated father for providing, but I feel judged for my choices.
If given the option, I would choose motherhood every time—my son is my greatest treasure. But does that mean he should be my only focus in life?
If you’re grappling with similar feelings, you might find comfort in reading this post about the challenges of motherhood here. And if you’re considering a family, check out Make a Mom for reputable at-home insemination kits. The CDC also provides excellent resources for navigating pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, being a working mom comes with its own unique challenges. Balancing work and motherhood often leads to guilt, as we strive to give our best to our children while pursuing our passions. And while it’s important to prioritize family, it’s equally crucial to nurture our identities outside of parenthood.
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