Kids have a delightful talent for pilfering everything you cherish and turning it into a gooey mess – your precious sleep, those rare moments of solitude, or even a relaxing bathroom break. But let’s be honest, the silver lining is priceless.
They offer a unique perspective on life and fill your heart with joy, but the real perk? They’re like a 24/7 Get Out of Jail Free Card. You can pin just about anything on them, and it’s practically your parental duty to do so. Let me show you how I wield this card with my own list of 10 things I conveniently blame on my child:
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Slippery Surfaces
My Partner: “What’s going on in the bathroom?”
Me: Peeking in, “Ugh, her handwashing skills are non-existent!” The reality? It’s me splashing water all over while trying to apply my skincare routine with no contacts in—definitely a hazard zone for fish. -
Lack of Gourmet Food
Partner, excitedly from the living room: “Is there any of that (yummy food) left?”
Me, in the kitchen gulping down the last bite: “Erm… Sorry, I gave the last one to Bella before bed.” In truth, I’m shoving the empty container of (yummy food) into the trash like a ninja. -
Unpleasant Odors
Everyone: “Eww!”
Me: “That was definitely Bella!” The truth? I devoured a whole cauliflower for lunch, and the recipe didn’t mention “toot warning.” -
Why I Can’t Attend Events
Me, via a text because talking is so last year: “I’d love to go, but Bella is under the weather.” The truth is, I’m just shutting off my phone and diving into more Netflix. -
Exhaustion
Me to a coworker, stifling a yawn while filling my mug: “She had nightmares all night!” The truth? I was propped up in bed, oscillating between Netflix and scrolling through social media like a zombie. -
Dusty Floors
Me to friends: “The vacuum terrifies her; I don’t want to be that mean mom!” The reality? I dread the whole vacuuming ordeal—dragging it out, emptying the dust bin, and wrestling with cords is just not my jam. A quick “sweep and stash” works wonders when company is on the way. -
My Un-toned Belly
To my child-free pals: “Once you have a kid, that part of your body just never bounces back.” Reality check: My stomach was never toned in the first place! I could be hooked to a muscle stimulator and eating only kale, and it wouldn’t make a difference. -
Messy Car
Me, to a friend in the passenger seat: (sheepish grin) “Kids, right? They’re like crumb machines!” But the truth is, I was jamming to 90s punk music while finishing off snacks and casually tossing the leftovers into the backseat. -
Incomplete Blog Posts
I decided to take a break from writing to enjoy some quality time with my kid who, truthfully, will only be this age once. But really, I just seized the chance for a quick nap—no jail time for that, right? -
Why I’m Not a Morning Person
Me, while groggily trying to wake up: “Let’s just say Bella thinks 5 AM is prime playtime.” Truth? I could easily sleep until noon if left to my own devices.
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Summary: Parenting comes with its fair share of challenges, but let’s be honest: it’s also a perfect scapegoat for daily frustrations. From messy floors to missed social events, everything can be conveniently attributed to our little ones. Embrace the chaos and enjoy the ride!