Angela from Who’s the Boss? made it look like a breeze. You snag the dream job, have a baby, hire a charming (retired pro athlete) as your housekeeper, and glide through motherhood with just a few awkward moments. As a child, I envied her seemingly perfect life.
However, once I landed the job and welcomed my own little one, reality hit hard. The glamorous portrayal was a far cry from the truth. My fantasies quickly crumbled. After devouring countless books on achieving a work-life balance, I discovered it wasn’t as simple as having a baby and instantly knowing if I was meant to be a stay-at-home mom or continue climbing the career ladder. Many women don’t even have the luxury to choose. But as I returned to work after 12 exhausting weeks of maternity leave, I was confronted with a tsunami of emotions that no book could prepare me for. The moment I gave birth, I felt a surge of guilt.
I first felt this guilt when I closed the door to head back to work after those overwhelming weeks of maternity leave. Leaving my newborn, who could do little more than drool and was a champion of cluster feedings, in someone else’s care was painful. That door represented so much more than just a physical barrier; it marked the start of a new chapter filled with longing and heartache. My husband gently guided me toward the elevator, but as tears streamed down my face, I felt like I was losing a piece of myself.
I loved my job. It was as if my instincts and rational thoughts were engaged in a battle, much like the classic devil-and-angel scenario. I believed that if I just “leaned in” a little more, I could continue to thrive in my career. I had worked hard to be the first in my family to graduate college, and I knew that countless women had paved the way for working moms like me. I was determined to make it work.
Then came the dreaded work travel. Just the thought of it—sometimes planned months in advance—watered that seed of guilt, nurturing it until my departure date. Traveling across the country or internationally was the worst; FaceTime calls were often rushed and took place during meltdowns—either mine or my baby’s. Sure, I felt a thrill when my plane landed in a new city, but it quickly faded as I anxiously checked my phone for new pictures or videos from the family I left behind.
Yet, the excitement of pivotal meetings and brainstorming sessions kept the flame of my passion alive for a while. I felt fulfilled, working with clients who challenged me and aimed to make a positive impact.
But gradually, that passion began to fade. During a conference call, I received a text from the babysitter with pictures of my kids at the park. As soon as the call ended, a persistent question echoed in my mind: “What on earth am I doing?”
Three weeks ago, I made the decision to leave my job. I’m uncertain if I’ll manage as a stay-at-home mom. There’s a good chance I might be begging for my old job back within a month. I’m not the best cook, and it often takes me multiple trips back into the house just to leave for the day. Patience isn’t my strong suit, and I have a habit of overspending.
Will my kids even want to be with me all day? Who knows. What’s clear is that this dilemma is one of the most contentious issues in motherhood, often forcing women into opposing camps—this is simply not fair. We all wrestle with guilt, balance, and the desire to “have it all.”
Sure, some women, like Angela, are confident in their career ambitions, while others know they want to stay home. But most of us find ourselves in the confusing middle, feeling guilty whether we choose to work or stay at home. What we truly need is to lean into each other, supporting one another and fostering healthy discussions around this topic.
Three weeks into this new chapter, I’m feeling optimistic. I’m reassured that this is the right choice for me and my family at this moment. And knowing that will make the next heart-shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwich at the park all the more delightful. For more insights on motherhood, check out this engaging post on our blog.
In summary, the journey through motherhood is fraught with challenges and guilt, whether you choose to work or stay at home. It’s time to unite and support one another in this shared experience.
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