I’ve never actually employed a babysitter. Most of the time, I rely on my wonderful mother-in-law to take care of my little rascals for a brief respite. This is a rare treat, mainly because I think my children believe that visiting the grandparents’ home means they can throw civility out the window.
It’s about time I found someone reliable to help me out. I envision having a go-to babysitter who can take care of my kids (and my house) while I enjoy some much-needed downtime.
If I were to draft a job posting, it might read something like this:
HELP WANTED: On-Demand Babysitter
Stay-at-home mom of two energetic kiddos under five is searching for a versatile childcare expert. Must have a dependable vehicle and a strong constitution for navigating the most daunting rural roads imaginable. A sunny attitude and adaptable spirit are essential. Pay will be discussed based on qualifications.
Skills Required:
- Can withstand a punch (or even a Kung-Fu kick).
- Juggling chainsaws while breathing fire is a plus.
- Fluent in Whine-ese, Sass-Mouth, and the Mom-Voice dialect.
- Master of the Evil Mom Glare.
- Willing to referee chaotic games of tag, couch diving, and “let’s climb on the dog and scream YEE HAW!”
- Comfortable bending the truth for the greater good (like convincing kids that they’ll shrink if they don’t eat their veggies or their brains will forget about chocolate if they don’t sleep).
- Quick on their feet—ideally faster than a cheetah.
- Proficient in burping the entire alphabet.
- Capable of communicating exclusively in rhymes or high-pitched voices that send pets scurrying to hide.
- Maintains composure after answering the same question 53 times in a row.
- Endures repeated viewings of Frozen (ear plugs available next to the wine… which is definitely for me, not you).
- Must be on friendly terms with Elmo, Caillou, or any other mildly irritating children’s character.
- Upper body strength is essential—be prepared to carry two kids on your shoulders or endure being climbed like a tree.
- Should not bruise easily and must take toddler antics in stride, keeping a straight face even when confronted with a four-year-old’s poop jokes.
- Must be able to manage my eight check-in calls or my mother-in-law’s lengthy chats while keeping track of my little ones.
- Breathe that doesn’t smell like onions is preferred.
- Should not be offended by impromptu fart contests.
- Capable of reading the same children’s book on repeat without losing their marbles.
- Availability on evenings and weekends is a must.
- Should understand if it takes me an extra 45 minutes to leave the house because I’m second-guessing my decision to hire you.
This seems like a perfectly reasonable list, right? What would you add?
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Summary:
In search of the perfect babysitter? We’ve compiled a lighthearted list of essential skills that any candidate should possess. From being able to endure repeated movie screenings to managing chaotic toddler antics, these skills ensure the ideal caregiver can handle the wild and wonderful world of childcare.