As I sit in a hotel room during a family vacation, I find myself reflecting on the hilarity that comes with traveling with little ones. Instead of enjoying the thrills of Six Flags, my children and I are confined indoors due to rain. But hey, at least I can quietly administer some Benadryl to keep them calm while I jot down the lessons learned from this escapade with my 7 and 5-year-olds. If you’ve ever traveled with kids, you might find these insights relatable…
- Who needs Six Flags? For kids, nothing beats the thrill of sleeping on a pull-out sofa or bouncing between hotel beds. Just wait until they miss the jump and end up with a faceplant on the comforter. Vacation battle scars? Totally awesome.
- It’s like kids are programmed to ignore the phrase “Please don’t stomp around the hotel room after 10 p.m.!” Apparently, sleep is for the weak.
- When you ask your kids if they need to use the restroom, expect both to say no. Five minutes later, Child A will be holding up the line in the bathroom while Child B transforms into a frantic mess, banging on the door like he’s about to burst. Little do they know, Child A is busy composing her magnum opus titled “Ode to Unicorns.”
- Remind your kids that you already shelled out a small fortune for amusement park tickets. But they’ll still insist on wasting money on carnival games to win that adorable stuffed animal from the guy in the creepy clown suit.
- A child’s diet during vacation? A bottomless supply of Sprite, those neon-orange peanut butter cheese crackers, and a couple bites of a giant pretzel, and they’re good to go for at least 24 hours.
- Your kids will act as if they’ve never heard the words “This vacation isn’t solely about you. Sometimes Mommy and Daddy want to eat somewhere other than McDonald’s.”
- Don’t be surprised when a prized toy mysteriously disappears in the hotel room. Get ready to fork over more cash for a sad replacement that will likely be forgotten by the time you leave.
- Kids seem to have a death wish when it comes to elevators. “Keep your fingers away from the doors” may as well be a foreign language.
- Prepare for a mini civil war over who gets to carry the hotel key, who gets to choose the next ride at the park, and who gets to sit next to Mom at dinner. Dad? He’s just there for comic relief.
- “Keep your hands out of the hotel fountain!” falls on deaf ears, as if the fountain were some sort of magical wonderland they must explore.
- Free hotel breakfast buffets bring out the absolute worst in humanity. It’s not a buffet; it’s a free-for-all where you might just get trampled while trying to grab a rubbery omelet.
- When it comes to who gets to push the elevator buttons, it’s clear your kids have selective hearing. Who cares about your sanity, right?
- If you’re stuck at an amusement park in the rain, prepare to blow more money than your park passes on video arcade games. And just wait as your kids deliberate over their cheap prizes for eternity—only for one to break the moment you leave. You’ll be left wishing you had spent that cash on a decent breakfast instead.
- Did I mention kids are deaf?
- If your hotel offers a free happy hour, you’ll find yourself tossing all sense of decency aside. Bring on the lukewarm drinks and questionable snacks just to numb the chaos of the day.
Yet, amidst all the chaos, there will be a moment—perhaps at a semi-decent restaurant where the ambiance is dim, and they serve seared tuna—when your kids behave like perfect little angels. They’ll use their best manners, enjoy their meal, and refrain from causing a scene. In that moment, you might actually think, “Maybe this vacation isn’t so bad after all.” Until you reach the elevator, and the button-pushing battle recommences.
In summary, family vacations with kids are a blend of chaos, humor, and unexpected moments of joy. They may be deaf to our pleas, but they also create memories that last a lifetime, even if some of those memories are more battle scars than bliss.
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