When I encounter the phrase “given up” in the context of adoption, it always strikes a chord with me. My child, Leo, was not “given up.” In fact, I really dislike the term “given up” when it comes to discussing adoption and children.
You might give up chocolate. You could give up a gym membership. You might even part ways with an old car. But you don’t just give up a child.
Strangers and acquaintances alike often ask, “Why did Leo’s birth parents give him up?” My response is always the same: “They didn’t.”
There’s a myriad of reasons why people find themselves unable to parent, and while some are heartbreaking, others can come from a place of selfishness. However, the majority stem from a selfless desire to make the best choice for their child. Birth parents face the unimaginable decision to create a plan for their child’s future—an act of incredible strength, even when it’s excruciatingly painful for them. Most birth parents don’t simply “give them up,” especially in the realm of international adoption, which can be riddled with complexities, heartbreak, and even corruption.
I know it’s unrealistic to think I can shield Leo from every potentially hurtful comment, but I certainly try my best. While I can’t fully prevent him from feeling hurt, confused, or angry, I’m committed to ensuring he never wonders, “Why was I given up?” Because deep down, I know he wasn’t.
Resources for Further Insight
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Conclusion
To sum it up: The language we use around adoption matters. It shapes our understanding and the narratives we create for our children. Instead of framing it as “given up,” we should honor the brave decisions made by birth parents.