Let’s start with the most important disclaimer: I adore my son just as much as my daughter, and my love for both of them is immeasurable.
I absolutely cherished my pregnancy, carrying my baby everywhere and marveling at each kick, dreaming about who he would become. When Ben was born, I thought to myself that no one could possibly love a child more than I loved him.
For the first three years of his life, we were inseparable. I was the mom who couldn’t step away for a moment—whether it was during music class or playdates, Ben was either on my hip or clinging to my leg. He would wail if his dad tried to put him to bed without me. While I treasured our bond, I would have appreciated a moment alone in the bathroom!
Then, just over three years later, Ben’s sister Lucy entered the scene. Fast forward seven years, and I have to admit that I can’t say I love them both equally. Sure, that’s the politically correct thing to claim, but let’s face it: they are two unique individuals, and my affection for them manifests in different ways. The space they occupy in my heart is equal, but the shape and size of that space have evolved over time.
As a toddler, I would shower my son with kisses from head to toe, which he relished. Now, at ten and a half, the only time he allows a hug and kiss is at bedtime. The boy who used to be so disappointed in himself when he misbehaved has transformed into a preteen who argues just for the sake of it. “What happened at school today?” is usually met with a grunt and an eye roll. Getting him to help out is like pulling teeth! Our daily battles can be exhausting; I miss him during the day but want to send him off just five minutes after he walks through the door. He has his moments of moodiness, and it’s clear that he expects the world to revolve around him—welcome to being ten!
Connecting with him can be a challenge, especially after the initial school recap. He is mad about sports, but I struggle to keep up with his knowledge of trades and fantasy football. He plays chess and piano, both of which I have zero talent for. I take him to chess tournaments and can only offer the sage advice of “take your time.” Even I cringe at that!
The truth is, I see so much of myself in Ben. I feel his sadness and beam with pride when he succeeds or even when he tries something new. I cherish the kind, thoughtful, and caring person he is, and I attend every game, missing him dearly when he’s not around. We have our special traditions, like our weekend top 40 countdown, and we enjoy board games and books together.
But he feels that I favor Lucy, and I can’t deny it. She’s just so easy to connect with! At seven, Lucy is in her sweet spot, and I know this is just the calm before the storm of her teenage years. She’s enthusiastic, helpful, and genuinely sweet. Every morning, she asks for a bowl of cereal and some “huggies and kissies” on the side. She delights in helping around the house and is eager to engage in baking and arts and crafts—activities I adore as well. I can’t help but smile when she asks about my day at dinner, and I know Ben notices my brighter demeanor when she shows interest in me rather than just herself.
Lucy has room for all the affection I want to give, while Ben seems to push it away. She’s witty and keeps us laughing, making it easy to spend the whole day together without feeling like I’m searching for conversation. She loves dressing up in my clothes and singing in the shower—her joy is contagious and refreshing. Plus, the absence of a battle over screen time is a glorious change!
Last night, Ben told me that he thinks I love Lucy more than him. He’s perceptive; ever since he was little, he’s had an old soul. I thought he understood the difference between affection and love. But I realize now that I’ve missed the mark.
He might be wise beyond his years, but grasping the nuances of love at ten is a tall order. I need to find ways for him to feel the abundance of love I have for him. I can take advantage of our bedtime routine to sneak in more hugs and cuddles. I’ll make a concerted effort to connect with him on his terms. Maybe I’ll even bring some interesting news from the back page of the NY Post to the breakfast table tomorrow. He’s going to be in for a surprise!
So, there you have it: my love for my children may manifest differently, but it’s there in spades for both of them.
For more on parenting and how to navigate these waters, check out this insightful resource on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
Balancing love between my son and daughter has been a journey filled with challenges and joys. While my bond with my son has evolved into a more complex relationship as he navigates his preteen years, my connection with my daughter feels effortless. I recognize the need to bridge the gap with my son and show him that my love for him is just as strong, even if it looks different than my affection for his sister.