Parenting
Survival Parenting: A Step-By-Step Manual
by Clara Thompson
Updated: November 22, 2016
Originally Published: Aug. 10, 2008
The baby decided 3 a.m. was the perfect time to wake up, and guess what? They never fell back asleep. At 4 a.m., someone had a little accident in the bed, and you can bet they were wide awake after that. Your 4-year-old turned into a mini karate expert, kicking you in the ribs all night long, while the baby set a new record by waking up a whopping eight times. Regardless of how you ended up in this mess, it’s now 7 a.m., the kids are stirring, and it’s time for you to jump into the parenting deep end. You’re running on fumes, and you could probably pack a suitcase with the bags under your eyes. The sunlight feels like a spotlight on your retinas, and the cacophony of crying is causing your head to throb. You’d trade a minor deity for just a few more minutes of sleep, but alas, that’s not an option. It’s time to parent.
First things first: your uniform. Slip into some comfy yoga pants and a T-shirt. A sleep bra is a must to keep everything in place. Forget about real clothes — let’s be honest, you’re not going anywhere, darling. Your butt is officially glued to the couch today.
Next, it’s coffee time. While the glorious aroma of brewing coffee fills the air, grab a quick bite — a banana, some Cheerios, or maybe a muffin will do. You’re going to guzzle that caffeine, but not on an empty stomach; nobody needs a nausea crisis right now. Remember: for every two cups of coffee, have something to eat. It’ll keep you from face-planting into the floor.
And then, the kids are up! Time to whip up a “picnic” breakfast in front of the TV. Think muffins or toast — nothing too messy or complicated. If you have a dog, cereal is the way to go; let that furry vacuum cleaner do the work for you. Don’t forget drinks — water is your friend for easy cleanup — and napkins.
Now, here’s my golden rule: I won’t engage in serious parenting until at least 9 a.m. on mornings like this. So, you have a guilt-free two-hour window of screen time. Queue up some Puffin Rock or The Magic School Bus on Netflix, and let the kids munch away. Put that hot coffee somewhere safe, find a spot on the couch, and sneak in some snoozes. If your little ones attempt to cuddle with you, migrate to the loveseat. If they persist, suggest a pillow fort on the floor. Sure, you’ll have to clean it up later, but the sleep is worth it.
At 9 a.m., it’s time to parent, but let’s keep it minimal. Bring out the big guns: crayons and stickers. Set them up on the living room floor while you catch a few more z’s. They’ll inevitably interrupt you to show off their “artwork.” You’ll nod, “That’s amazing! Tell me about your picture,” even if you can’t tell if it’s a dinosaur or a mountain of goo. They’ll insist it’s a pirate ship, and you’ll encourage them to draw another one. This is what parenting looks like.
Depending on your children, this moment of tranquility could last from 15 minutes to an hour and a half. When they’re done, it’s time for some quality engagement. Refill your coffee cup and announce it’s reading time. Your children will gladly fetch you books, and you can read aloud while you keep the coffee flowing. They’ll feel like you’ve given them just enough attention while you put in minimal effort.
Next up is free play. Start off by pretending you’re all hibernating bears. When that loses its charm, try to initiate the Quiet Game. That’ll likely fizzle out quickly unless the winner gets a marshmallow, which may not be the best parenting move but is a fabulous survival tactic. Eventually, they’ll tire of that too. Just tell them to go play and ignore the thumps, bangs, and crash sounds from their rooms. Clean-up can wait. Just keep sipping that coffee and hold it together.
Lunchtime rolls around, and it’s time for the classic peanut butter and jelly — the ultimate survival meal. Just bread, peanut butter, and jelly, and voilà! It’s a real meal in many households! It’s also packed with protein, so they shouldn’t be bugging you for snacks all afternoon (though they will, because kids). Serve them at the table for this one; peanut butter can get messy!
Up next: movie theater! Pop some popcorn — you’ve got some stashed away for these occasions, right? Dim the lights, lay down blankets and pillows, and pick a movie that won’t end in 80 minutes. If you have to, run a double feature. No judgment here.
After the movie, it’s watercolor time! Set up some paints at the dinner table while you sip your coffee and lean against the wall. Admire their masterpieces. See? You’re a great parent, facilitating their creativity! Watercolors should keep even the most restless child entertained for at least half an hour. Once that fun wraps up, it’s cleanup time.
Later in the day, down another cup of coffee to gear up for the cleanup song. Use every ounce of energy to get the kids to help tidy up the mess they made. Slump against the wall with your coffee in hand and start directing them. “Pick up those dinosaurs! Now the pillows! Put the comforter back on the bed!” With enough singing and gentle threats, you’ll get it done, especially if you can muster the strength to assist.
Dinner? Pasta it is! It’s a warm meal. While you cook, keep the TV on. Have another picnic-style dinner. Do not turn off that TV until the kids are in bed! After they’re finally tucked in, you can choose between a shower or sleep. Spoiler: sleep is the obvious choice. If you’re still awake, maybe you weren’t that tired after all.
Pat yourself on the back. You survived another day! Tomorrow is a fresh start.
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