Hey there, food lovers! I’ve got a confession: I absolutely adore food, and no, my taste buds are not the most refined. I’m that person who goes to state fairs just to indulge in a Krispy Kreme chicken sandwich on a stick. My guilty pleasures? Gas station snacks that most folks reserve for road trips, like Slim Jims, Flamin’ Hot Funyuns, and those squishy orange circus peanuts. It’s kind of mortifying! What’s even more embarrassing is the long list of diets I’ve attempted in a bid to shed the pounds I put on from eating like I’m still in elementary school.
After numerous failed attempts, I’ve come to terms with the fact that diets and I just don’t mesh. I’ve decided to ditch the restrictive eating plans and focus instead on the “don’t eat junk and get off the couch” approach. Instead of aiming for short-lived goals like fitting into a bikini, I’m now all about achieving long-term wellness, so I can keep moving without a motorized scooter when I hit my 60s. But before I close the door on fad diets for good, let’s take a moment to pay tribute to the popular ones I tried, and of course, the scrumptious foods that led to their downfall.
1. Slim Fast
I never really thought about dieting until I met my husband in college. At first, I felt he was way out of my league, and to avoid looking like a pumpkin beside him, I jumped into my very first diet: Slim Fast. Breakfast and lunch were shakes, and I naively believed that a “sensible dinner” meant opting for a Whopper Jr. instead of the full-sized burger. It sounded so simple!
My roommate joined me on this journey, which turned out to be a huge mistake since Slim Fast is notorious for causing some serious gas. We turned our apartment into a giant Dutch oven for two weeks straight. I lost 10 pounds in those two weeks, probably more due to my youthful metabolism than the shakes themselves. I was determined to tackle week three, convinced the cappuccino flavor would be an upgrade (spoiler alert: it wasn’t).
Then came the fateful trip to the grocery store, where we parked next to a local pizzeria. As the tantalizing aroma of fresh pizza wafted through the air, we decided to have our “sensible dinner” early and just sip our shake later. By 8:30 p.m., after consuming what I can only describe as baby poo in a can, our stomachs were growling in protest. A trip to Panda Express sealed the fate of my Slim Fast diet that night.
2. Atkins
Ah, the Atkins diet—everyone and their mother seemed to be on it in the late ’90s, including my boss, who happily shared how her high school jeans fit again. Those acid-wash beauties were snug, but she looked fabulous, and I was intrigued by her bacon-filled diet. I eventually hopped on the Atkins train myself, reveling in bacon, steak, and cheese.
But then, while my husband was undergoing knee surgery, I found myself walking past a McDonald’s. I was on a mission for coffee until I spotted a sign advertising a bucket of fries for just five dollars. I didn’t even think twice—coffee? Atkins? Forget it. I treated myself to a bucket of those glorious fries, and that was the end of Atkins for me. #RIPAtkins
3. Nutrisystem
After my first child was born, I found myself busier than ever, and my eating habits took a nosedive. My daughter was colicky, and I often had only one hand available to eat, grabbing sugary snacks on the go. Realizing this wasn’t sustainable, I decided to give Nutrisystem a shot. Pre-packaged meals sounded perfect for my chaotic life.
Initially, it worked well for me, providing quick meals that weren’t completely awful. But as time went on, my daughter grew out of her colicky phase, and I found myself with both hands free to cook. When faced with the option of a fresh-off-the-grill hamburger versus Nutrisystem’s tiny pre-packaged version, the latter didn’t stand a chance—definitely dead on arrival.
4. Dukan Diet
At 34, I was still struggling with post-baby weight from my second child, and I stumbled upon the Dukan Diet on Facebook, where a friend had lost a substantial amount of weight. Intrigued, I learned it promised to reset my metabolism. Miraculously, it worked! I lost 20 pounds in a few months, while my husband (of course) shed 40 pounds in the same time span.
Everything was going well until we went on vacation back to San Diego, where we indulged in the authentic Mexican food we sorely missed. The tipping point for my Dukan Diet came with a platter of carne asada fries drenched in sour cream and spicy salsa. A visit to an all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ restaurant wiped out any chance of a comeback for that diet.
I’m no fool; maintaining a healthy lifestyle isn’t a walk in the park. With birthday parties, holidays, and the aroma of pizza from nearby restaurants, it’s all too easy to derail a two-week streak of steamed veggies and grilled chicken. But let’s be real—those temptations are far more appealing than a sad shake in a can.
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In summary, while diets can come and go, the love for delicious food is forever. Embrace the journey to a healthier lifestyle, and remember that sometimes, it’s okay to indulge!