Menu
- Parenting
I’m Evaluating Your Sleep Sound Preferences
by Sara Thompson
Updated: Aug. 3, 2016
Originally Published: July 11, 2005
While visiting my parents recently, I noticed my dad had taken over my sister’s former room. Being the wonderfully private family we are, I couldn’t help but exclaim, “OH MY GOSH, MOM—DAD IS LEAVING YOU AFTER 51 YEARS! WHO IS SHE?!”
“Actually, I kicked him out of our room,” my mom replied dryly. “Your father has taken a liking to this thing called ‘Thunderstorm.’”
No further explanation was needed; I instantly got it. “Thunderstorm” isn’t the name of some exotic dancer at a local club—it’s a sound setting. My entire family is hooked on sleep sound machines. Back in the ’70s, we relied on noisy air conditioning units to lull us to sleep, and now we’ve upgraded to Hammacher Schlemmer, Brookstone, and HoMedics devices. Each of us has one in our bedroom. Sure, the brands may differ, but we are firmly in the “white noise” camp. That’s our sound of choice. Even our little ones were trained to sleep to the consistent hush of an air purifier.
At his age, my dad isn’t having a mid-life crisis, so his sudden obsession with “Thunderstorm” felt like a betrayal to our family’s sleep culture.
“Thunderstorm!” Mom reiterated. “Can you believe it? Boom! Boom! Boom!”
Apologies to Eddie Rabbitt, but apparently, mom does NOT appreciate a rainy night. While I had faith in their marriage, I couldn’t help but wonder if we were being too harsh on the guy. Were we too judgmental? Too rigid in our preferences? Is white noise really the best choice? Could it be that our beloved white noise is biased in its own way? Perhaps plain old white noise isn’t the ultimate key to a great night’s sleep after all.
In the spirit of fairness, I decided to experiment with some alternative sound settings on my own sleep machine for a few nights. Here’s what I discovered:
THUNDERSTORM
Naturally, I had to start here, and yes—there was thunder. A bit too much thunder, if you ask me. All that was missing was a strobe light to enhance the ambiance, and my room could’ve been a scene from a disaster movie. Sorry, Dad. Nope.
TRAIN
This is an actual option! I was worried it would just loop “Drops of Jupiter,” but thankfully, it was actual train sounds. Who enjoys this? All night, I envisioned myself traveling with vagabonds and carnival workers intent on stealing my backpack. I barely slept, clutching a harmonica like it was a shield.
OCEAN WAVES
Initially calming, but before long, I found myself craving shrimp, which led me to Google the nearest Red Lobster hours. Did I just hear a seagull? Those birds will fight you for a Cheddar Bay biscuit—who could blame them? (The biscuits, not the seagulls.)
STREAM
Do people who choose this setting sleep on rubber sheets? I got up four times to relieve myself.
CITY
Much like the “Train” option, this was perplexing. Yes, because after battling Houston traffic all day, I find it so relaxing to hear cars zoom by in my bedroom.
SUMMER NIGHTS
Two thoughts hit me: swarms of giant locusts invading my bed or John Travolta in a leather jacket. I still can’t decide which is scarier.
HEARTBEAT
I’ve consumed too much Edgar Allan Poe for this to be even remotely soothing.
JUNGLE RHYTHM
Very serene—if you can ignore the occasional howler monkey and the sense that a panther is lurking nearby.
RAINFOREST
Similar to “Jungle,” but with added humidity and visions of giant spiders. It also reminded me of Rainforest Cafe charging $9 for five chicken nuggets.
FIREPLACE
Can’t you just feel the shag carpeting and Barry White’s warm breath on your neck? Don’t resist it, baby…awww yeah. It’s getting hot in here—when was the last time you checked the smoke alarm batteries? Goodnight!
ZEN GARDEN
This one made me expect a masseuse to stroll in at any moment. I also experienced some involuntary clenching, as one of my many fears is passing gas during a massage.
Well, it was an exhaustive endeavor. Ultimately, I accepted my identity as a white noise enthusiast, and I’m fine with it. I’ll do my best not to judge your or my dad’s quirky sleep habits. As for my parents, I hope they can brave the Thunderstorm and discover some mutual sound ground.
If you’re interested in learning more about this topic, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination. And for those curious about fertility, you can find invaluable information on boosting male fertility here.
In summary, while exploring various sleep sounds, I confirmed my preference for white noise and embraced my quirky family dynamics.