Nostalgia can be a funny thing. Sometimes, we try to justify our past fashion faux pas—like that unfortunate perm you opted for right before senior pictures—by chalking it up to the ’80s obsession with voluminous hairstyles. Or maybe you look back at your high school quote, which was supposed to showcase your depth, but really just highlighted your teenage cluelessness. “Irony!” you might say with a smirk.
As we age, we often indulge in a bit of self-revisionism, giving ourselves a dose of undeserved coolness. Sure, I was an early fan of bands like Soundgarden and Pearl Jam, but I also screamed my heart out at Poison concerts and waited eagerly for a glimpse of the members of Enuff Z’Nuff boarding their tour bus. We all have those cringe-worthy musical skeletons hidden away, tucked behind an ESPRIT crop top and a poster of “Spuds MacKenzie, Dean of Partyology.”
So, let’s dust off those awkward tunes! Here are five gloriously uncool songs that I just can’t let go of!
1. ‘Sister Christian’ by Night Ranger
Let’s face it: this jam has never been cool, no matter what anyone says. It peaked at No. 1—in Canada, no less! Sure, Night Ranger includes some talented musicians with impressive backgrounds like Sly and the Family Stone, but that won’t save me from cranking it up and belting out the lyrics at the Taco Bell drive-thru. “What’s my price for flight?” you ask, Night Ranger? Clearly, my dignity.
2. ‘How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?’ by Michael Bolton
Who can resist the soulful serenade of late ’80s Bolton? That hair! That voice! The guy opened for Ozzy and dated Nicollette Sheridan from Knots Landing—he was the whole package. Yet, he’s almost a poster child for uncoolness. Michael Bolton is a one-of-a-kind talent with a great sense of humor, but cool? Not even with those funny cable commercials. But when it comes to this melodramatic ballad, I simply don’t care.
3. ‘Conga’ by Miami Sound Machine
Before she became a household name, Gloria Estefan and her husband Emilio filled our lives with infectious island rhythms. Publicly, I pretended to be annoyed by the song’s omnipresence on the airwaves, but deep down, I was dancing around my kitchen, grooving through the grocery store, and even doing the Conga while baking at the beach. Now it’s a bittersweet mix of nostalgia and homesickness, and I embrace Gloria’s advice to just go with the flow.
4. ‘God Gave Rock ‘N’ Roll to You II’ by Kiss
This is a double whammy of uncoolness. Enjoying Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure was cool, but loving its sequel, Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey? That’s less so. But I still adore it! This Kiss cover of an Argent classic is the grand finale of the film, and while it’s overblown and somewhat absurd, it’s also downright amazing. I’m not sure if God really put rock and roll in everyone’s soul, but I’ll take Paul Stanley’s word for it. (Shoutout to all my Wyld Stallyns fans: Station!)
5. ‘Friends in Low Places’ by Garth Brooks
Is Garth Brooks considered cool? That’s up for debate. If you’re rocking an emo, alt, or metal vibe, the answer is probably no. However, there’s an undeniable charm in this crossover anthem about raising a glass to your ex and hanging with your fun-loving pals. Everyone I know knows the lyrics, and there’s never a complaint when it plays on the jukebox—though few will admit to enjoying it. (Seriously, we need more jukeboxes these days.)
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In conclusion, embracing these embarrassingly delightful tunes is a testament to our unique musical journeys. So crank them up and sing along—dignity be damned!
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