My teenage son had been feeling anxious about his upcoming school performance for weeks. He enjoys playing the guitar and participating in band, but this particular event was causing him significant distress. It would be the longest he had ever performed on stage, but what truly unsettled him was a story he heard years ago about someone fainting during a show — a tale that had stuck with him.
My son suffers from a specific anxiety disorder known as emetophobia, which is an intense fear of vomiting. While everyone dislikes the thought of throwing up, for those with emetophobia, it triggers a severe anxiety response. The constant worry that someone might unknowingly carry a stomach bug or that food could be tainted makes it impossible to escape the fear of becoming ill. As a result, individuals with this disorder often experience persistent anxiety. It can frequently be misdiagnosed as generalized anxiety or panic disorder because the symptoms overlap, but the core issue revolves around the fear of vomiting.
Thus, a seemingly trivial story about someone getting sick during a performance can send my son spiraling into overwhelming anxiety. The natural pre-performance jitters make his stomach uneasy, which his mind misinterprets as nausea. This perceived nausea heightens his anxiety, leading to further physical discomfort, creating a vicious cycle.
We anticipated the concert would be challenging. We practiced various relaxation techniques, meditations, and other strategies countless times. He managed to get through the dress rehearsal and the first half of the concert.
However, during intermission, panic set in. After that, there was nothing we could do to coax him back on stage. I found myself in the lobby, helping him try to regain his composure. Through our experiences, we’ve learned that sometimes the best course of action is simply to wait it out.
The most difficult aspect of parenting a child with anxiety is the feeling of powerlessness when your child is in distress and you can’t alleviate their suffering. As a parent, I want to be the one who can “kiss it away,” but this isn’t something that can be easily fixed. I can provide support, encourage him, and facilitate professional help, but I cannot erase the irrational fear that grips him in those moments.
Anxiety is a complex issue. My instinct is to use reasoning and logic to soothe it, but trying to reason with anxiety is akin to tossing paper airplanes into a fan; nothing penetrates. In moments of desperation, I find myself offering incentives, thinking that motivation might help. Then I realize how unfair it is to frame it that way and how unhelpful it truly is.
Clearly, my son bears the brunt of the struggle. However, it is also incredibly frustrating for me as a parent. I was relieved to hear from a friend, who also faces anxiety challenges, that she finds parenting an anxious child to be extraordinarily tough as well.
As a parent, you want to help and fix things, yet sometimes you simply cannot. Your child looks to you for support, and despite your best efforts, you may not always succeed. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and helplessness.
Feeling helpless as a parent can resemble sheer terror. I strive to remain strong for my son’s sake, not wanting him to perceive his anxiety as a burden. Yet, at that concert, I found myself fighting back tears. He had put in so much effort to be there, yet anxiety prevailed in the end, and I felt utterly powerless.
I assured him that I wasn’t upset with him, just frustrated — just like he was — that he had to face such challenges. I expressed pride in his efforts to be there and reminded him that setbacks are part of the journey. I urged him not to give up on himself or his therapy.
Later, I went home and cried in private.
Parenting a child with anxiety — or any mental health issue — is undeniably tough. It demands considerable time and energy, but I can manage that. What truly weighs heavily is the feeling of helplessness, the knowledge of what’s wrong yet being unable to remedy it.
I hope my son always knows that his parents are there for him, that he feels unwavering support from his family regardless of his struggles. Sometimes, that’s the best help we can provide in the moment. And perhaps — just perhaps — in those moments, that support is enough.
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