Recently, I made the difficult decision to end a friendship that meant a lot to me. Ending a relationship is never easy, especially when it involves someone I connected with after becoming a mother and where our families were closely knit. It shook me to my very core because I entrusted her with what is most precious to me — my children. She was my first true friend in this new chapter of motherhood, and we shared experiences that felt sacred as we navigated parenting together. If you’ve been in similar circumstances, you know the strong bond that can form.
As I reflect on the end of our friendship, I realized I may have been too lax in selecting friends once I became a mom. I often felt isolated during those early years of motherhood, leading me to connect with anyone who seemed relatable. But I failed to pause and ask myself, “Is this someone I truly want in my life, and in my children’s lives?”
I admit I was a bit naive, thinking that the shared experience of motherhood alone could sustain a friendship. In reality, there is so much more to consider. I can’t be friends with someone simply because they are also a mom, enjoy a glass of wine, or have kids in the same preschool as mine. I need more depth, higher expectations, and I certainly deserve it.
Are you honest?
This is crucial for me. I cannot tolerate dishonesty in any form. You don’t owe me an explanation for your life choices, but if you choose to share intimate details, they should be true. I value authenticity and want to know the real you, not a facade you’ve created to win my approval. I’m a firm believer in honesty, and I need the same from you. If something is bothering you, please be direct. At 37, I don’t have time for guessing games. Honesty about your feelings is part of adulthood.
Will you hold me accountable, and be open to being held accountable?
None of us are perfect, and sometimes we need a reality check. That’s what friends are for. It’s easy to be there for celebrations, but true friendship shines during tough times — loss, divorce, or struggles with mental health. I need to know you’ll help pull me back to reality when I’m lost, and I will do the same for you. Friendship encompasses the good, bad, and even the ugly.
Are you genuine?
I don’t do superficial, and I expect the same from my friends. You might hear about my deepest secrets on our first outing because I want to see if you can handle the real me. I’m an open book, which is both a blessing and a curse. I come with my share of baggage and am vocal about my past. My family isn’t perfect, my marriage has its challenges, and my children are far from flawless. I face daily struggles because I feel things deeply and am passionate about everything in my life. If you prefer shallow friendships, this isn’t the connection for us.
Do we share similar parenting philosophies?
While I embrace being more than just a mom, my role as a parent is my top priority right now. I need to ensure we’re aligned in our values. Do we both strive to raise kind, respectful children, or do you make excuses for bad behavior? If you’re the type of mom who overlooks your child’s bullying or misbehavior while sipping wine, I can’t be part of that. I don’t need you to be overbearing, but I do need you to be a responsible parent. I won’t compromise on safety.
Are you a good person?
Do you let others merge into your lane during traffic, or do you speed up and gesture rudely? Do you perform random acts of kindness, like assisting an elderly person with groceries, or do you ignore those in need? I’m dedicated to helping others and if that’s an inconvenience for you, we might not get along.
I’m also an advocate for animal rights. I once had seven feral cats living in my guest room, working hard to ensure they weren’t euthanized. Some thought I was crazy, but those who understand my mission are my people. I engage in actions that may seem unconventional but aim to improve the world. I need to know you appreciate that.
Do you enjoy tearing other women down?
If your conversations revolve around criticizing other mothers’ appearances or lifestyles, we won’t mesh. I’m all for light-hearted gossip, but not mean-spirited comments that can hurt others. My children observe all my behaviors, and I strive to raise them without prejudice. We don’t use words like “fat,” “ugly,” or “hate” in my household. I need to be sure we align on this.
Do you avoid sugarcoating?
If you’re too busy to hang out, just say so. I’m not a mind reader, and I don’t have the time or energy to guess. Trust me; I won’t be hurt if you can’t make it to an event. My life is already full of demands, and sometimes, solitude is a welcome relief.
If this feels like a lot, I understand. I’ve been through the wringer and prefer to eliminate any ambiguity. I want you to know precisely what to expect. If you resonate with everything I’ve mentioned, you will find a loyal, ride-or-die friend for life.
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Summary:
In this candid exploration, Riley Anderson reflects on the importance of choosing authentic friendships, especially as a mother. She emphasizes the need for honesty, accountability, shared values in parenting, kindness, and a genuine connection. Ultimately, she seeks friends who can navigate both delightful moments and challenges together without pretense.