There’s no worse conversation to have as a parent than when a teacher approaches you with a serious expression and says, “Can we talk for a moment… in private?” As I watch my daughter play in the supervised area, I follow her preschool teacher outside, my heart racing. Other parents stroll by, chatting with their little ones, while I stand awkwardly against a wall, feeling a mix of anxiety and dread.
“There was a biting incident today,” the teacher informs me, her sympathetic gaze confirming my fears. Instantly, I realize that my daughter is the one who bit someone. I feel paralyzed, unsure of what to say. My youngest child is the first of my kids to engage in this behavior, which causes me to reflect on my parenting. It’s not just embarrassment; it’s a deep, nagging shame.
How did I end up as the mom of a biter? What have I done wrong? These thoughts swirl through my mind. In parenting, there are moments when a child’s unexpected actions make you feel like you’re failing, no matter how well you’ve guided them before. Biting, especially during the preschool years, ranks high on the list of unacceptable behaviors.
Despite all my efforts to teach her kindness, sharing, and good manners, my daughter now carries the label of “The Biter,” and I’m left with the title of “The Biter’s Mom.” When your child bites, it feels like a profound parenting failure. We often take our children’s misbehavior personally, questioning our abilities and worth as parents. Just one slip-up—a forgotten “thank you,” a hurtful word, or worse, a bite—and we blame ourselves for not being good enough.
As a seasoned parent, I understand that when children act out, it often signals a struggle with emotional regulation or boundary testing. They may feel overwhelmed or frustrated, and resort to physical expression when they can’t find the right words. Biting is a common behavior among toddlers, a physical manifestation of their frustrations as they navigate language, social interactions, and other developmental milestones. According to the American Psychological Association, this behavior is typical for children aged three and under.
While I appreciate the rational explanations, they do little to ease the feelings of judgment I anticipate from others, particularly the other child’s parents. Biting seems to exist in a category all its own, where social norms demand that children behave like civilized beings rather than wild creatures.
Finally, I manage to find my voice and apologize to the teacher. I explain that we emphasize communication in our home, and I want her to see me as a caring and attentive mother. I inquire about the circumstances of the incident, eager to defend my daughter and myself.
The teacher explains that during a line-up, another child unintentionally pushed my daughter, causing her to stumble, which led to her frustration and ultimately biting out of instinct. While it’s somewhat comforting to know there was a trigger, it doesn’t erase the shame I feel.
I return to the classroom to find my daughter engrossed in building a block tower. “Mama!” she exclaims, rushing to me and burying her face in my leg. “I was sad today.” I reassure her, stroking her hair gently. Though I feel guilty about her actions, I remind myself that my child is still learning and growing. My role is to guide her with understanding and help her make better choices in the future.
Now, I must gather the courage to reach out to the other child’s mother. A little empathy from another parent can go a long way in easing our self-doubt.
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In summary, dealing with a child who bites is a common yet distressing experience for many parents. It’s essential to understand that this behavior is often a reflection of emotional struggles, and it doesn’t define our worth as caregivers. With patience and understanding, we can guide our children through these challenging moments.