Menu: Parenting
Do You Love Your Child More Than You Resent Your Ex?
by Lisa Thompson
Updated: June 7, 2017
Originally Published: May 16, 2017
“Mom, are most divorced parents like you and Dad, or do they usually dislike each other?”
My son Jason and I are on our way to see a movie, just the two of us. The other five kids in our blended family are otherwise engaged, giving us a rare chance for a mother-son outing. We’re both thrilled—Jason for the individual attention and me for the chance to hear what’s on his mind.
“I’m not sure,” I respond. “What do you think?”
“I think most divorced people can’t stand each other.”
Jason continues, animatedly sharing stories of classmates who find themselves mediating between their parents, acting as messengers and peacemakers. He talks about adults arguing over the phone, kids feeling anxious during custody exchanges, and friends who seem genuinely depressed. He’s in the seventh grade, and it’s clear that these issues weigh heavily on him.
“Why don’t you and Dad argue like that?”
I receive this question often, usually from adults curious why my ex-husband Mark and I maintain a cordial relationship. Perhaps they think we had an uncomplicated divorce? No? They assume there’s something special about our situation, something that distinguishes us from other divorced couples. The underlying suggestion is that we are too friendly to fit the mold of a “typical” divorced family.
The reality is, there’s nothing extraordinary about Mark and my situation. Our divorce was fraught with pain. Both of us hurt deeply and assigned blame to each other for our suffering. We felt isolated, rejected, and as if we had failed at the most crucial task of all—creating a family.
I explain to Jason, “Dad and I don’t fight because we made a conscious decision early on in our separation to view our divorce as a singular wound.”
I can see that he’s puzzled by this idea, so I elaborate. Young boys might not ask further questions, so I want him to grasp what I mean.
“When we decided to end our marriage, we recognized it would hurt you kids. It would be incredibly challenging for all of us. We could either inflict one painful blow and then move forward in search of our own happiness or cause multiple hurts by continuing to fight over everything. Some parents inflict ongoing pain on their families by staying together when the relationship no longer benefits anyone. Others keep the conflict alive even after separating, bickering over every conceivable issue—visitation, clothes, vacations.”
He’s listening intently.
I share with him for the first time that Mark and I didn’t communicate for months after our separation. He doesn’t remember that period. I briefly recount the arguments we had after he and his siblings were asleep. I explain that despite our disagreements, we were aligned on one crucial point: our divorce would only be the single major hurt we would cause our children. This commitment was forged during therapy, even as our marriage unraveled. We may have been at odds on many issues, but we agreed on that one.
“Dad and I sometimes see things differently. We’re unique individuals. You know this better than anyone since you live with both of us. Our parenting styles vary. We have different interests. We discipline you in distinct ways. Dad interacts with Sophie differently than I do with Emma. But we are united on what matters most: you. We agree to co-parent because it’s what’s best for you.”
“Dad and I care about you too much to ever harbor hate for each other.”
I remind him that hating his father would mean hating half of his very existence. Filling my mind and heart with resentment towards Mark would cloud the cherished memories I hold from our marriage and the beginning of my journey into motherhood. Opting for animosity rather than love would taint the story we are building for our children.
Of course, I’m human. My memories of our time together are not exclusively happy. I frequently find myself at odds with my ex, even while prioritizing the kids and appearing united. I have no doubt he feels similarly. I can sometimes detect the irritation in his voice when he believes I’m being too insistent about something. Our shared history is complicated, filled with pain and anger. We are divorced, after all. We chose not to continue our lives together.
However, we chose to co-parent. Each of us, independently, decided that irrespective of our differences—even when we disagreed on the simplest of matters—we would collaborate on raising our children. Even when it felt messy and overwhelming, we kept trying. We focused on the three people we love most and allowed that love to guide us. Our shared goal mirrors that of any other family: to keep our children safe and whole.
Mark and I did not fail at creating a family when we divorced. Our commitment to co-parenting and nurturing our children means we remain connected. We chose the path that ultimately keeps our children the healthiest and happiest, and we chose it together. In this respect, we resemble many parents who stay married. Our decision to co-parent amicably binds us as a family.
The idea of peaceful co-parenting might seem daunting. You may not be in that place right now. Your ex might feel worlds apart. I understand; Mark and I were not always on the same page. But peaceful co-parenting is achievable, even for those who have experienced deep hurt. Start small. Love your children and take that first step today. For more insights into fertility and family planning, check out this blog post from Intracervical Insemination. If you’re looking for more information on artificial insemination, Make a Mom offers valuable resources. Additionally, for guidance on pregnancy, the World Health Organization provides excellent information.
In summary, maintaining a positive relationship with your ex for the sake of your children is not only possible but beneficial. By prioritizing love over resentment, you can create a nurturing environment that allows your children to thrive.