So, you’re not exactly a fan of kids. The twist? Your friends have recently become parents, and now you find yourself spending time in their chaotic world. While hanging out during their baby stage was manageable, now they’re up and about, talking and doing—well, whatever it is they do. If you don’t have little ones to practice with, the thought of being around other people’s kids can be pretty intimidating. But don’t worry! This guide will equip you with everything you need to navigate a weekend with children successfully. Let’s dive in:
1. Kids Are Not Exactly Genius.
Ignore the parents who rave about their kids’ brilliance. They’re likely sleep-deprived and exaggerating. Think of a hyperactive puppy, bouncing around with boundless energy. Now, imagine that puppy is even less coordinated. My 2-year-old nephew still can’t figure out how to use a straw—seriously. Keep hot beverages out of reach and avoid anything with sharp edges. Once you grasp this concept, everything else falls into place.
2. Let the Kids Approach You.
So your best friend is now a parent, and you want to be the cool uncle or aunt. However, children couldn’t care less about your past adventures. They don’t appreciate the fact that you once saved their dad from choking at a party. Avoid overwhelming them with attention; kids can sense when you’re overly eager and will likely run in the opposite direction. But don’t totally ignore them either—it’s a delicate balance to strike, but it can pay off.
3. Gift-Giving Can Be Tricky.
You might think buying a toddler a drum set will be hilarious. Spoiler: it won’t. The laughter lasts about seven minutes before tears ensue, and that drum set is unceremoniously tossed aside. Try not to take it personally if your carefully chosen gift is immediately ignored. My niece has a strange attachment to a plastic toy from a vending machine. Just admit that you’re clueless about kids’ preferences and bring wine instead—lots of it.
4. Kids Love to Repeat the Same Thing.
This is a blessing and a curse. You only need one entertaining trick—like hiding a toy or pretending to bite their toes—to keep them occupied. However, their stamina is remarkable; they’ll want to repeat the same activity until you’re physically exhausted. Don’t worry if it all ends in tears; it happens to the best of us.
5. Tears Are Inevitable.
Kids cry over everything—being tired, being two, or wanting a green plate when they can’t even identify colors. Just give them the red plate and don’t stress about the tears. There’s no way to prevent them, so embrace it.
6. Children Can Be Unintentionally Rude.
Think of the most hurtful thing someone could yell at you. Now imagine a kid saying it while you’re out in public, and you’re expected to laugh it off like it’s a joke. You can’t even call out the parents when they try to downplay it, claiming their child doesn’t understand what “fat” means. Trust me, they do. It’s perfectly normal to fantasize about punching a kid in the face—just don’t act on it.
7. Avoid Questions Like ‘Should You Be Doing That?’
The answer is no, but they’re doing it anyway. As a visitor, your best move is to quietly exit the room and pretend you didn’t see anything. If the situation escalates, it’s courteous to offer to cook while the parents are dealing with the fallout.
8. Don’t Ask for Translations.
When someone speaks another language, you can often pick up context clues. This doesn’t work with toddlers. My nephew’s vocabulary consists of words like dinosaur, helicopter, and cookie. I’ve yet to see a stegosaurus fly through the air with Oreos. I’ve developed a foolproof approach to seem like I understand them by using the three R’s: React (exclaim “Oh no! That’s scary!”), Reassure (say “Well done!”), and Reward (hand out cookies).
9. Early Evenings Are Chaotic.
Photographers call it the golden hour; parents call it pure chaos. The hours leading up to bedtime are often the loudest and most stressful. If you’re staying over, this is your cue to find a local bar. If that’s not an option, sitting outside and pondering how the neighbors haven’t called the cops yet is perfectly acceptable.
10. Blame the Kids.
For any unpleasant odors, breakages, or the fact that you and your college buddy now have nothing in common, you can always point the finger at the kids. When parents say “They’re not usually like this,” just know it could mean they’re often far worse.
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In summary, spending a weekend with kids can be daunting, but with the right mindset and strategies, it can also be entertaining and enlightening. Embrace the chaos, manage your expectations, and remember to find humor in the madness.
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