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- Thank You for Your Concern, but I’m Doing Just Fine
by Jessica Harper
May 1, 2023
It’s peculiar to reflect on how one of the most significant challenges of my adult life originated from a choice I made at the tender age of 13. At that time, I discovered that I could essentially go without food, and no one would bat an eye. I figured out how to avoid drawing the attention of my weight-conscious mother by not allowing my body to grow into the curvy Greek-Italian figure I was destined for. The last thing I wanted was for my weight to become a topic of dinner table conversations.
I’ve never truly experienced a healthy relationship with food or exercise; instead, I’ve battled eating disorders for most of my life. I can easily recognize the unhealthy patterns that permeate social media today. It’s baffling how, in our digital world, people feel free to publicly document their workout routines or meal choices. When did our society become so fixated on diet and exercise? We seem to celebrate extreme fitness regimes while simultaneously shaming those who don’t fit into what’s deemed an acceptable body size.
Comments like, “Just because the average size is 16 doesn’t mean it’s okay,” echo the sentiments of many. No one raises an eyebrow when you boast about your latest gym achievements or cleanse. Yet, if you gain a few pounds, suddenly everyone has opinions about your health. When I was at my thinnest, my health was rarely questioned. Oddly enough, I was in desperate need of someone to intervene. In my early twenties, I often fainted due to being undernourished from extreme dieting and over-exercising; my fainting spells became a running joke among friends and family. This light-hearted approach masked a serious issue, as my body was clearly struggling.
Recently, I penned an essay about the frustrations of finding clothes in sizes 14-16, which is increasingly relevant given that this is the average size for American women. I received a mixed bag of responses—many women empathized, but I also encountered body shaming. It became clear that what irked these critics wasn’t my size, but my unapologetic attitude towards it. How dare I wish for clothes that fit my size 16 frame without hiding in shame?
It’s been four years since I last engaged in disordered eating behaviors, and during that time, I’ve gained 45 pounds. This change has been a challenge for someone who spent years fixated on the numbers on a scale. Surprisingly, my weight gain hasn’t been due to sitting idle; I welcomed my second child, moved twice, switched careers, and faced various family and personal stresses. Instead of reverting to my old habits of meticulous food tracking, I chose a different path—one that prioritizes my well-being.
Of course, I have moments of self-doubt when I look in the mirror. I’m human, influenced by advertisements and years of associating my worth with my weight. However, that fleeting negativity pales compared to the times I was on the bathroom floor, hoping to stop myself from disappearing completely.
After experiencing anxiety about my health this year, I underwent a comprehensive series of medical tests, checking everything from my heart to my thyroid. The results? I’m in perfect health. The unsolicited concern about my well-being is puzzling, especially considering my past struggles.
Did my weight gain come with some unhealthy habits? Yes, there were days when I subsisted on coffee and quick carbs amidst a busy schedule. Have I exercised enough? Not really. But sometimes, life’s demands push you into survival mode, and let me tell you, survival mode doesn’t care how you look. It’s funny that after nearly three decades of battling disordered eating, it was only when I gained weight that people started voicing health concerns.
Now, I’m focusing on nourishing my body with proteins and vegetables because I want to feel good, not to fit a particular mold. I’m finally learning to appreciate the body I see in the mirror, even at my heaviest, and I refuse to apologize for it. So, to all the concerned internet critics out there—don’t worry about me. I’m actually doing great. My health is solid, I have supportive colleagues and friends, and I’m committed to sharing my story. And yes, I want clothes that fit my body!
If you’re navigating similar struggles, check out the resources at the National Eating Disorder Association for support.
Summary
The author reflects on her journey with body image, eating disorders, and societal expectations regarding weight. She emphasizes her recent weight gain, her commitment to self-acceptance, and the importance of prioritizing health over societal norms. Despite facing criticism for her size, she finds strength in her journey and seeks to support others.