9 Remarks I Wish Would Disappear Regarding My Black Children

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Since adopting my children, who are all black, I’ve encountered numerous well-meaning white individuals eager to showcase their open-mindedness and racial awareness. Unfortunately, their attempts often backfire, leading to uncomfortable situations that highlight their lack of understanding. Here are some common phrases we hear that make me cringe, along with why they miss the mark:

1. Referring to Black individuals with stereotypes: Terms like “ghetto,” “thug,” or “those people” are not only offensive but also reductive. Remember, these labels apply to MY children, who deserve respect.
2. Overzealous compliments: “Your daughter is just so, so pretty!” While compliments are lovely, overdoing it can be awkward. It puts my child in the spotlight uncomfortably and may reflect your own insecurities about race.
3. The concept of being colorblind: Claims like “I’m teaching my kids to be colorblind” ignore the reality of racial differences. Recognizing and celebrating diversity is vital for understanding the world around us.
4. Claiming a Black friend: When someone starts a story with “My Black friend…” it often feels forced and irrelevant. You don’t need to validate your friendships with people of color; just share your story without the need for racial context.
5. Discouraging discussions about race: Telling us not to “play the race card” is dismissive. Race is often at the forefront of many conversations, and acknowledging that is crucial to understanding discrimination and injustice.
6. Excessive admiration for mixed-race children: Comments like “I love little mixed babies; they’re SO cute” can be objectifying. Children are not trophies to be admired; they are individuals with their own feelings and rights. Moreover, it can be disheartening when similar compliments aren’t extended to Black or Hispanic children.
7. Whispering “Black”: Using a hushed tone when mentioning someone’s race is unnecessary and implies that it’s a taboo subject. Unless race is directly relevant to your narrative, it’s best to avoid bringing it up.
8. Focusing on “Black-on-Black crime”: When discussing the dangers that Black boys face in society, trying to steer the conversation towards crime statistics is both insensitive and misguided. Empathy is needed when addressing these serious issues.
9. Questioning the need for Black History Month: Asking why we have Black History Month without a counterpart for White History Month misses the point. This month serves as a vital reminder of the significant contributions of Black individuals to American history, often overlooked in standard curriculums.

As a white person, I recognize that many share my background and may struggle to find the right words regarding race. Instead of sharing opinions, it’s essential to listen, ask questions, and show empathy. Ultimately, individuals of all races seek respect, validation, and connection.

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In summary, fostering genuine conversations about race requires sensitivity and awareness. It’s important to remember that respect and empathy are fundamental values we should all strive to uphold in our interactions.