Becoming a mother at 37 felt like I was stepping into a whirlwind of new language. During my first ultrasound, my OB casually referred to me as an “elderly primigravida.” Excuse me? Did he just call me old? Was my uterus suddenly a retirement home? After a brief explanation, I learned this term simply means a first-time pregnant woman over the age of 34. Wonderful. Just what I needed to boost my confidence.
Since then, I’ve developed a strong aversion to what I like to call “mom lingo.” Here’s a rundown of motherhood terms that I think we can all agree need to vanish:
- Baby Bump: Why can’t we just say “belly” or “stomach”? Someone decided that pregnancy needed a fancy label that sounds like a tropical disease. “Oh, look at your baby bump! Maybe get that checked out.” Seriously? Enough already.
- Pump and Dump: I’ve used this term too, especially after one too many cocktails. While it accurately describes what needs to be done after a few drinks, it conjures an image I’d rather not have—like a mother awkwardly balancing on a toilet while hooked up to a pump. Can we please rebrand this? Perhaps “protecting the baby’s liver” would be better?
- Push Present: When did it become a norm to gift mothers for giving birth? Sure, labor is tough, but let’s not pretend this is a favor to dads. The term is equally absurd. Picture it: a woman in the throes of labor suddenly receives a box of jewelry as her reward. It’s all just too much to fathom.
- DD, DS, and DH: Seriously? Why not just say “daughter,” “son,” and “husband”? It’s like we’re creating acronyms for family members as if they were government forms. I love my family, but let’s keep it simple.
- Mucus Plug: This isn’t slang, but it’s way too graphic for my taste. Can we come up with a more palatable term? “Baby stopper” has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
- Effaced: This term is just misleading. It refers to the thinning of the cervix before delivery. Why not just say “thinning”? After nine months, hearing something is getting thinner would be a relief, even if that something is about to undergo a significant transformation.
- Fur Baby: I get that pets are family members, but calling a dog a “fur baby”? No, thank you. My dog doesn’t require midnight feedings or diaper changes. Let’s not confuse the two.
There you have it! If you use any of these terms, I might just side-eye you a little. For what it’s worth, I just enjoyed some leftover pizza for breakfast.
If you’re interested in more about the journey of motherhood, check out our post on Cervical Insemination for helpful insights. And for those looking for excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination, WomensHealth.gov is a treasure trove of information. If you’re considering at-home insemination, CryoBaby offers trustworthy kits to help you on your journey.
To wrap it up, while motherhood is a beautiful and chaotic experience, it’s also filled with terminology that could use a serious makeover.
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