When my neighbor invited me to a ladies-only dinner with the other women in our neighborhood, I found myself checking my calendar, browsing the restaurant’s menu (and let’s be real, the cocktail list), and texting to see what everyone else was wearing. I changed my outfit choice about six times and debated whether to bring along my large handbag or simply a clutch. I even pondered if I’d be chilly without a jacket.
But you know what I didn’t do? I didn’t seek my husband’s approval to go.
Sure, I mentioned it to him because that’s what considerate partners do. “Hey, Alex, I’m heading out for a girls’ dinner Wednesday evening. Will you be home, or should I find a sitter?” But there’s a big difference between keeping your partner informed and asking for permission.
Being an adult means you’re no longer under anyone else’s control. I may not have gotten that pony I wanted as a child, but now that I’m a fully-fledged adult, I could buy one and keep it in my living room if I felt like it (though I wouldn’t actually do that). The truth is, I didn’t move out of my parents’ house just to live with someone who dictates what I can and can’t do. My husband isn’t my guardian; he’s my teammate.
Kids ask permission for things because their parents are in charge, and rightly so; kids often lack the best judgment. If they had free rein, they’d be up late every school night and diving into candy for breakfast. As parents, we have to set limits for their own good, helping them navigate choices until they can weigh consequences themselves.
Asking your spouse for permission suggests that you can’t make sound decisions alone, and I just can’t get behind that. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with running plans by each other first—in fact, it would be pretty rude not to do so. This is a common courtesy that ensures you’re not double-booking or overlooking something important.
For instance, Alex might want to enroll our son in soccer, but that entails me driving to early practices weekly, so he discusses it with me first. Or he might want to buy a new laptop, and I’ll remind him about the tires that need replacing next month. From there, I trust him to make a sensible choice that considers our family’s best interests.
This is why our traditional wedding vows skipped the “obey” part. Love? Absolutely. Honor? For sure. But obey? Big nah. I want my dog to obey, not my husband. I don’t feel the need to control him, nor do I want to be with someone who dictates my choices. Trust is essential in a healthy relationship, and if one partner feels the need to control the other, there are deeper issues to address than just weekend plans.
I have no interest in playing the role of my husband’s mother. I already have enough kids asking for permission a million times a day!
When it comes to my own choices, I appreciate being with someone who doesn’t feel the need—or have the power—to “let” me do anything.
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In summary, maintaining trust and autonomy in a partnership is vital. Both partners should feel free to make their own choices while still communicating openly and respectfully. After all, a healthy relationship thrives on mutual respect and understanding.