Little kids, much like your overly candid friends after a few too many drinks, have a knack for brutal honesty. They’ll inform you if your breath is less than fresh, if they find you annoying, or if that random guy strolling down the street is “too chunky for those pants.”
For example, my then-3-year-old son, Lucas, was happily playing on the floor while I changed clothes. Suddenly, I received a truth bomb of epic proportions. “Mommy! Your butt is so big and wiggly!” he exclaimed, giggling in his innocent, well-meaning toddler way. His tone was full of delight, like someone who just found a $20 bill in last year’s coat.
My mouth dropped, and my pants went up so quickly that I nearly gave myself a chin bump. Ouch, that was a blow to my self-esteem! I wanted to defensively shout, “I’ve got kids and a serious sweet tooth, okay?!” But then I realized he wasn’t being malicious; he was simply making an observation, thinking it was funny. Clearly, toddlers and Sir Mix-a-Lot share a preference for big butts, unaware of the potential peril in calling out a woman’s “jiggly” bits.
Still, I couldn’t help feeling a bit annoyed. “Lucas!” I scolded, trying to maintain a stern face. “That’s not nice. You shouldn’t say things like that to people.” I could see the confusion in his eyes, as if I had reprimanded him for saying “The sun is shining.” To him, he was just stating a fact. I felt guilty, but I knew he needed to learn that commenting on people’s appearances wasn’t always appropriate.
We often tell our kids that honesty is the best policy, but then we add a whole bunch of caveats. Honesty is the best policy, unless Aunt Susan’s knitted orange socks for your birthday leave you speechless. Honesty is the best policy, unless someone’s asking for your opinion on their bizarre new haircut. Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re about to reveal that your mom doesn’t wear a bra during school drop-off or that candy was your dinner last night.
While we can explain that they should be truthful unless it might hurt someone’s feelings, toddlers have a limited understanding of social nuances. They haven’t yet faced the sting of body shaming and don’t realize that comments like these can be hurtful.
Until they learn the art of tact, it’s a given that our kids will embarrass us from time to time—it’s just part of the parenthood gig. (On the bright side, we can always return the favor during their teenage years.)
We can seize these teaching moments to help them understand that some folks might be sensitive about certain topics. We can advise them to wait and ask us in private if they’re unsure whether a comment could be hurtful.
Leading by example is also key: when they come downstairs in a neon green Turtles shirt and plaid purple shorts, we can say, “Wow, you did a great job picking your outfit! Let’s try to find a shirt with purple in it to match those shorts.” (Or you can let them wear whatever they want because, honestly, who cares?)
A couple of weeks after my son’s initial comment about my Jell-O-like rear end, I was struggling to pull up my yoga pants when he walked in. Bracing myself for impact, I prepared for another blunt observation. He looked at me with those big, curious eyes and opened his mouth.
“That’s a small butt you’ve got there,” he said sweetly.
I couldn’t help but laugh and hug him, praising his effort to be kind. I wasn’t entirely sure if I had taught him the right lesson about tact, but at least he seemed to grasp the concept.
And hey, I had imparted one of the most essential skills of manhood: when discussing age or weight, the more tactful you can be, the better. He’ll thank me for this wisdom one day.
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Summary
Kids often express unfiltered honesty, leading to amusing and sometimes embarrassing moments for parents. While it’s important to encourage honesty, teaching them about tact and sensitivity is equally crucial. Using everyday situations as teachable moments can help kids understand when to speak up and when to hold back.