One day, when my oldest, Lily, was just shy of 2 years old, I faced a diaper-changing challenge of epic proportions. She was a whirlwind of giggles and wiggles, turning the process into a playful game of “How Fast Can I Get Half-Naked?” While I was desperately trying to keep us on schedule, nothing I did would grab her attention. I offered her toys, tried my sternest “Mommy means business” voice, and eventually resorted to an action I never thought I’d take: a light swat on her backside. It barely registered, but I immediately regretted it. I pride myself on being a non-spanker, and yet, in that moment of frustration and exhaustion, I lost my cool.
Once I collected my thoughts, it struck me that I was punishing Lily simply for being a typical, curious, almost-2-year-old. Accepting that we were going to be late anyway, I transformed the diaper change into a silly game. Lo and behold, she joined in, and we made it out the door fully dressed — and with smiles.
It’s easy to forget just how little our toddlers are, especially for first-time parents like myself, who often view their first child as a miniature adult. A national parent survey by Zero to Three reveals that many parents set unrealistic behavioral standards for their toddlers. We expect our little ones, especially at ages 2 and 3, to exhibit self-control that they simply aren’t developmentally ready for. In reality, self-control typically starts to develop around ages 3 or 4 and takes even longer to be consistently demonstrated.
We sometimes think toddlers have more control than they do, particularly with our first kids. As a mom of three, I can confirm that my oldest seemed like a seasoned pro at 2 compared to my youngest. However, toddlers are still tiny beings learning about the world around them. They may seem capable compared to their previous selves, but they are still developing and simply aren’t equipped to behave as we expect all the time.
Research from the University of Texas at Austin and New York University indicates that parents who believe their children understand the rules and can control their actions tend to use harsher discipline methods. On the other hand, those who recognize their child’s limited comprehension often adopt a gentler teaching approach, which is usually more effective in the long run.
We must remember that children under 3 or 4 lack the ability to regulate their behavior most of the time. Acknowledging this reality allows us to respond with more understanding and positive strategies for teaching them. After all, punishing a child for age-appropriate behavior is not only unfair but also hampers their ability to internalize how to manage themselves. If you want more insights on self-control during the toddler years, you can check out this helpful page from Zero to Three.
Parenting little ones is undoubtedly challenging. I’ve navigated the toddler and preschool years with my own kids and have seen firsthand how wild and exhausting they can be. Yet, they are also delightful and hilarious! When we shift our perspective from viewing them as little terrors to seeing them as eager learners, we can enjoy those early years with a lot less frustration — for both us and our children.
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Summary:
Expecting toddlers to behave consistently is unrealistic; they are still learning and can’t always control their actions. Understanding their developmental stage allows for more effective parenting strategies, leading to a more enjoyable experience for both parents and children.