Finding the right words to express my grief has been a monumental challenge. Acknowledging that I’ve been grieving for over three years feels daunting, and honestly, I often just want to escape to Netflix with a large glass of wine.
Her name was Lily. She was my mother and my greatest source of love. I lost her last July.
Since my mom received her ovarian cancer diagnosis, I’ve been in a state of anticipatory grief. My mind has been a whirlpool of emotions—processing, crying, memorializing—ever since that fateful day, which coincidentally was just days after I announced my twin pregnancy.
That’s when our intertwined journeys began. While her reproductive abilities faded, I brought two beautiful girls into the world. The irony of that connection wasn’t lost on me.
As I coped with my own grief, I had to stay present through the rollercoaster of motherhood—juggling breastfeeding two babies, sleep training, and dealing with toddler tantrums. My little ones, now preschoolers, are incredibly attuned to their surroundings and can sense when something feels off. So how does a mom show up for her children while navigating the waves of grief? This has become one of the most challenging yet enlightening parts of my journey.
Here are three lessons I’ve learned:
- Set the Emotional Atmosphere
As parents, we create the emotional climate of our homes. This doesn’t mean we have to be perfect but rather, we need to be authentic. By acknowledging and naming my emotions, I’ve been able to process the heaviness that comes with grief. My kids often ask, “Are you happy or sad?” I’m open about my sadness, and when they offer hugs, I let them know that their affection truly helps. However, kids are perceptive; they tend to need extra attention when I’m feeling my lowest. I’ve learned to lean on my support system for school pickups and playdates, reminding myself that during these tough times, “good enough” parenting is perfectly acceptable. For me, this means easing up on my standards, allowing more screen time, and opting for simple meals. The better I care for myself emotionally, the more I can be there for my girls as they navigate their own emotional challenges. - Cherish the Legacy
I find comfort in my mother’s wisdom—her late-night texts, emails, and mantras that she shared with our family. I’ve kept a notebook filled with these reminders, grounding me in the legacy she left behind and her influence on my daughters. Phrases like “love is a verb” and “feelings are facts” will endure. Even when someone is no longer physically present, their impact on your kids is everlasting. I even created a storybook titled The Adventures of GranLily, showcasing her moments with my twins. It’s a comforting read during times of longing. I’ve come to realize that no matter how much time we have with loved ones, it never feels like enough. Yet, I celebrate the quality moments we shared. - Grief Comes in Waves
Now that it’s been a few months since my mom’s passing, she’s still a frequent topic of conversation with my three-year-olds. Their phrases range from “Mummy, you have to die too to see your mummy” to “I miss her” and the uplifting “Mummy, GranLily lives in our hearts now.” I once spoke with a grief counselor who explained that children grieve in waves. One moment they’re sad, and the next, they’re back to playing or singing. When I told them about their grandmother’s death (using real terms like “died from cancer” and “her body stopped working”), I expected an emotional outburst. Instead, they listened, hugged me, asked about their grandfather, and carried on with their day. I find that I, too, experience grief in waves—oscillating between joy and despair. I’ve learned to accept that the depth of my grief mirrors the depth of my love.
Ultimately, I’ve realized that we never truly “get over” grief; we simply develop strategies to manage it. Similarly, motherhood is an ongoing journey of learning to cope with fatigue and stress. Embracing the messiness of life—its sadness and beauty—allows me to model healthy emotional processing for my children. By sharing the legacy of their remarkable GranLily, we’ll all navigate these turbulent waters together.
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Summary:
Grieving as a mother is a complex journey filled with emotional challenges. The author shares her experience of navigating grief after losing her mother, emphasizing the importance of setting an emotional tone in the household, cherishing legacies, and understanding that grief comes in waves. By modeling healthy emotional processing, she aims to help her children cope while honoring their grandmother’s memory.