Throughout my marriage, the thought of divorce crossed my mind more times than I can count. Each time, I was haunted by visions of holidays spent apart from my child—moments I would miss and the relentless back-and-forth that would become our reality. The thought of waking up alone on Christmas morning, devoid of the joyful chaos a child brings, was enough to halt my worries in their tracks. How does one face a Christmas without the excitement of a little one tearing through wrapping paper and the tradition of leaving cookies for Santa?
Two years ago, my ex-husband and I decided to part ways. As it was the holiday season, we agreed to celebrate together at home that year. It seemed like the best plan in light of our fresh separation. However, when we began the divorce process six months later, I braced myself for the inevitable loneliness of Christmas. Our legal agreement stipulated that our son would spend Christmas mornings with his dad in even-numbered years, and the thought crushed me. I felt selfish and bitter, yearning for the days when my little boy, now four, would fill our home with joy.
Then, a September call changed everything: my ex was deploying overseas. I would get to have Christmas with my son, at least this year. But as the holiday approached this year, I realized I’d be facing Christmas alone again. My ex is no longer in the military, and the reality of waking up in an empty house while twinkling lights adorn the walls is heart-wrenching. It’s difficult to articulate the number of tears I’ve shed in anticipation of this day. Recently, my son caught me in a moment of vulnerability and asked, “Momma, why are you so sad?”
I replied, “I’m just sad that I won’t get to see you on Christmas morning.”
His innocent response was, “You can just come to Daddy’s house and see all my Santa presents. Wouldn’t that be fun?”
If only I could explain to him that, due to our divorce, the holidays would rarely allow us to be together. Despite our progress and new lives, I find it impossible to shake the sadness of waking up alone on a day that should be filled with love and laughter.
Last Sunday, I asked my mom if I could stay with her on Christmas Eve. My new partner lives far away, making it unfeasible for us to be together. The thought of rising in a house void of my son, surrounded by untouched gifts and the ever-watchful Cocoa the Elf, is unbearable.
Despite having had two years to prepare for this moment, I’m still not ready to face a childfree Christmas.
For those navigating similar feelings, know that you’re not alone. The holidays can be tough, but I encourage you to explore options to make the season feel a little brighter. For more insights on coping with holiday loneliness, check out this thoughtful post on A Lonely Christmas.
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Summary
Facing a childfree Christmas can be an emotional challenge for many parents, especially after a divorce. The longing for holiday moments with your child can be overwhelming, yet it’s important to seek support and explore alternatives to make the season enjoyable. Surround yourself with loved ones and create new traditions that honor the spirit of the holidays.
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