In recent years, I’ve noticed a troubling trend: a group of holiday haters seems intent on ruining our festive fun. You might not have caught on, though, since they operate in a sneaky manner…
As October rolls around, these curmudgeons emerge, targeting the Big Three holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. They despise the joy that comes with these celebrations, but more importantly, they can’t stand the indulgence.
We’re constantly bombarded with advice like “start with the veggie platter.” Excuse me? A veggie tray at a holiday gathering is an affront to all that is joyful. I don’t care if you’re detoxing for three months before the party—when you show up to MY gathering, you better come hungry!
I refuse to let these holiday killjoys win. I envision myself as a modern-day warrior, like Mel Gibson in Braveheart, with blue paint and all: “They can take our lives, but they’ll never take our holidays!”
Sure, I can agree that some holidays have gotten a bit out of hand and could use a reset. But if one more person asks me to build a leprechaun trap for St. Patrick’s Day, I might just snap! Halloween, however, is my battleground.
Remember the good old days? Back before social media turned everyone into a craft expert and a life coach? Those blissful times before Pinterest turned our lives upside down? We weren’t crafting spooky fingers from carrots and hummus. No one was turning clementines into pumpkins or fashioning “boo-riffic” bananas! And that veggie skeleton? Don’t even get me started.
Back then, we gorged ourselves on Butterfingers, ghost-shaped marshmallows, candy corn, and all the processed delights we could find. Yes, I said processed!
So how am I planning to spend Halloween? I’m going old school! I’ll be teaching my kids the ABCs of Halloween: A) Always trick-or-treat in the fancy neighborhoods. B) Eat until you can’t eat anymore. C) Coconut is for suckers. We’re hitting the houses that give out Costco-sized candy bars (oh yes, the whole dang bar!) and we’ll definitely egg those who try to give us homemade nonsense or—heaven forbid—raisins. Raisins on Halloween? That’s a sure path to a zombie apocalypse.
Mommy will make sure they pick out all the goodies I love (gotta get my share!). We’ll munch on our loot as we stroll from house to house because that’s just smart energy management. Once we’re home, we’ll dump the candy on the floor, count it, and eat some more! I’ll be there for the inevitable sugar crash and to witness them crash into bed after watching Hotel Transylvania well past bedtime. We are rebels (again, channeling Mel Gibson)!
Sure, the day after, we’ll come back to reality. I’ll portion out the candy and donate the rest to our doctor’s office. We’ll eat healthy, follow the rules, and re-enter civilized society.
But it’s just one day, people. One day! We will treat this holiday as it deserves to be treated. Are you with me?
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In summary, let’s embrace the spirit of Halloween with joy and indulgence, leaving behind the negativity. Let’s reclaim our right to celebrate without the guilt!