Last year, I had a week off from work, and surprisingly, I found myself at home solo—well, as solo as one can be with three kids. My partner, Jamie, had taken our two oldest on an outing, and our youngest was napping.
If you were to ask me about my ideal getaway, I’d jokingly say, “Just me, the TV, and a gigantic pizza.” But honestly, there’s a nugget of truth in that. As a parent of three little ones, I often yearn for some peace and quiet. I imagine how much I could accomplish without my kids—my house would sparkle, I’d actually stay fit, and I could enjoy movies that don’t feature animated princesses on repeat. I could catch up on reading, socialize, and embrace a life that isn’t constantly revolving around my children.
Many parents share these sentiments, and it doesn’t mean we love our kids any less. Quite the opposite! It’s just that there’s no real “off” switch in parenting. Those rare moments of solitude can be a mixed bag; you finally get that precious alone time, yet guilt washes over you. It’s a bizarre feeling—a combination of unproductiveness and neglect.
For instance, with Aspen peacefully snoozing and the older kids occupied, I decided to start a Netflix movie. It was a mindless action flick—something I could never watch with Jamie or the kids around. Yet as I watched, guilt crept in. I felt like I should be doing something more meaningful, but I wasn’t sure what that was.
This guilt bubbles up every time I find myself alone. At work, I daydream about these moments, but when they arrive, they bring anxiety instead of relief. It’s like I’m missing a piece of my heart when my kids are away.
It’s odd and frustrating, but I suspect it’s part of the transformative journey of parenthood. After nearly a decade of fatherhood, I cling to two hobbies—cycling (though that’s waning) and writing. I write each day, but only early in the morning when the kids are asleep, so I don’t feel like I’m taking time from them. If you don’t have kids, I can see how this might seem strange. But this is the reality of being a parent; it’s all-consuming.
My children are my world. They occupy my thoughts, my conversations, and my writing. Ironically, while it may sound like an obsession, it’s not a problem at all.
I once watched a documentary called The Other F Word, featuring former punk rockers navigating fatherhood. A quote from Flea, the bassist of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, resonated with me: “The classic parenting attitude is, ‘I brought you into this world.’ But for me, it’s the opposite: My kids gave me life.” I wholeheartedly share that sentiment. Reflecting on my life before kids—endless movies, carefree bike rides, and hours spent hanging out—I realize that I didn’t truly live until they came along. Teaching my son to ride a bike is far more fulfilling than any solo ride I could take, and showing my daughter how to write is more rewarding than completing a perfect essay.
This is why, when I do get a moment to myself, I feel unproductive. Parenting is something much greater—it’s the most demanding and rewarding role I’ve ever taken on. Sure, there are times I wish I could escape, but when I look back at the chaotic moments and realize I’ve helped my kids grow, I feel an immense sense of accomplishment.
Eventually, Aspen woke up while I was halfway through my movie, but it was fine—I hadn’t been paying much attention anyway. I walked into her room, where she reached out from her crib, her messy hair a testament to her slumber. She cried softly, so I quickly found her pacifier.
“Did you miss me?” I asked, and she reached up to touch my face. She calmed down.
“I missed you too,” I replied.
For more thoughts on parenting and the journey of family-building, you can check out our other blog posts or explore resources on home insemination at Make a Mom. If you’re looking for more information on options for family-building, Resolve.org offers excellent resources.
Summary
Many parents crave alone time yet struggle with guilt when they finally achieve it. The demands of parenting can feel overwhelming, making solitary moments fraught with anxiety. Despite the longing for personal time, many realize that their children give their lives purpose and fulfillment, making the challenges of parenthood worthwhile.