There are plenty of things I never thought I’d say to my kids—like “Don’t use your brother as a tissue,” or my personal favorite, “Please don’t pretend your fork is a lightsaber while eating.” And then there are those things I swore I’d never do, like allowing too much screen time or serving up processed snacks. My parenting motto? “Never say never.” Life has a funny way of tossing unexpected challenges our way.
Despite the many surprises that come with raising children, one thing I can state with unwavering confidence is this: I will never encourage my sons to “be a man.”
We go to great lengths to empower our daughters, and rightly so! Today’s young women aren’t told to “act like ladies” as previous generations were. Instead, they’re urged to break free from outdated gender roles, explore new territory, and rise to equality. When girls exhibit traits that society often labels as “boyish,” they’re celebrated for their strength and resilience.
Conversely, boys face relentless pressure to embody traditional masculinity—being strong, stoic, and athletic. If they show any hint of “feminine” traits, they’re often labeled as weak and subjected to bullying from peers who—whether by nature or nurture—fit the stereotype more comfortably. This is not only unfair to our boys; it’s downright tragic.
Having four sons has taught me so much about their nature. They are inherently kind, empathetic, and full of heart—until someone tells them they shouldn’t be. They possess the same emotional spectrum as anyone else—insecurities, fears, and sadness—but they’re frequently told to suppress those feelings because they’re deemed “unmanly.” But where do those emotions go? They don’t just vanish; they simmer inside, turning into frustration or anger. And if a boy loses control over those feelings, he risks being belittled with phrases like, “Be a man,” or “Don’t be a wimp.”
As a woman, I’ve always had the privilege of expressing my emotions openly. I can’t count the times I’ve cried from disappointment, hurt, or even compassion without anyone batting an eye. But let a man show the same vulnerability, and suddenly, he’s expected to keep it together—just a frown or a shake of the head will do.
By teaching our boys to hide their emotions, we’re robbing them of essential life skills. How can they connect with others if they’re not allowed to experience and express their own feelings? They can’t fully understand or relate to someone else’s emotions if they’re disconnected from their own. Society’s pressure to remain emotionally stoic is depriving them of becoming well-rounded individuals who can thrive in personal relationships and professional environments. Why would we want this for the boys we cherish? Why would we want this for the men they will become?
One of the greatest gifts I can offer my sons is the freedom to express their emotions without fear of judgment. I will never tell them to stop crying. Instead, I’ll embrace them and reassure them that it’s okay to feel sad. Disappointment is part of life, and tears are a natural response. I will never discourage them from having interests that others deem “not for boys.”
For instance, my youngest son loves his sparkly My Little Pony Crocs, and he proudly wears them around town. When a boy at the playground told him they were “girl shoes,” he looked to me for reassurance. I told him those shoes are fantastic, and he should love them no matter what anyone else thinks. Personal preferences should never be confined by gender norms.
This is why I refuse to tell my sons to “man up.” As long as society labels sensitivity, empathy, and compassion as “girly” rather than simply human, we’re doing a disservice to all our children. There is no hierarchy of emotions; we all experience them and should be free to express them openly.
Boys will remain warm, loving, and emotionally aware until society tries to teach them otherwise. It’s time we redefine what it means to be a man.
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