I can still picture the moment I first spanked my daughter and the time I sent my son to time-out. Like with many parenting choices, finding the right approach is a unique journey for each family. For me, I’ve realized that traditional discipline methods just don’t align with how I want to raise my kids.
As I reflect on how we discipline, I consider how the world will treat our children as they grow. In a professional setting, if they mess up a major project, their boss isn’t going to give them a swat and send them to their cubicle. Instead, they’ll get feedback on how their actions impacted the team and the company. They will face natural consequences, like being overlooked for promotions or losing opportunities. If that’s the reality, shouldn’t we mirror that in our discipline while they’re still kids?
I’ve shifted my approach to discipline, focusing on context. Rather than applying a standard punishment like a time-out, I tailor consequences to fit the behavior. For instance, if my son takes a toy from his sister, that’s a disciplinary moment. But does spanking or a time-out really address the situation? Not in my eyes. Instead, I think about the real-world implications. If an adult steals something, they might face jail time—being separated from their belongings.
So, when my son snatches a toy, he loses one of his own for a set duration—one minute per year of his age. This teaches him empathy, allowing him to feel what his sister experienced when he took her toy. It also introduces him to the notion that consequences can be significant, even if three minutes feels like an eternity for a toddler.
Another classic scenario? Imagine my daughter makes a disaster out of the bathroom with toothpaste everywhere, thinking it’s a great idea. As adults, we know the natural consequence of a mess is to clean it up. Instead of a spanking, I hand her a rag and tell her she’s not leaving the bathroom until it’s spotless. This hands-on approach seems far more beneficial in teaching responsibility than a simple swat.
I aim for my lessons—both the easy ones and the more challenging ones—to resonate in a real-world context appropriate for their ages. At four years old, a little girl should be able to connect the dots and realize that her 20-minute cleaning session is a direct result of her mess-making escapades. Similarly, my son should understand that taking something means he risks losing something of his own.
These disciplinary strategies feel like they contribute to the bigger picture, fostering trust and empathy by demonstrating that actions lead to individualized consequences. In the real world, not every mistake can be corrected with a swat or a time-out—thank goodness!
Ultimately, my goal is to raise children who are kind, respectful, and capable of making thoughtful choices in tricky situations. I’m not expecting perfection, but I do want them to be mindful. This is a parenting approach I stand firmly behind.
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Summary:
In this article, Jamie Wells discusses her shift from traditional discipline methods like spanking and time-outs to a more contextual approach that better reflects real-world consequences. By aligning disciplinary actions with the lessons children will face as adults, Wells aims to foster empathy, responsibility, and mindfulness in her children.