I’ve always been the quintessential people-pleaser. Conflict? No thanks. Disappointment? Hard pass. Tension? Count me out. I’m not one to stir the pot or rock the boat. I mean, who doesn’t want to be liked? I pride myself on being polite and making everyone happy, which, unfortunately, translates to a serious struggle when it comes to saying no. And by “struggle,” I mean I steer clear of it like it’s the plague.
What would happen if I actually said no? Would folks get mad? Would they think I’m lazy or weak? Would I come off as rude or inconsiderate? The anxiety of the possible backlash from declining requests was enough to keep me saying yes—way too often.
I found myself saying yes to things I didn’t want to do, things I had no business agreeing to, and things that honestly just didn’t matter. Before I knew it, I felt overwhelmed, as if I was drowning in a sea of obligations. I’d snap at my kids and lose it over trivial things, like socks strewn across the floor. All because I couldn’t muster the courage to say no when someone asked if I could help out at the bake sale or attend a sales party disguised as a fun moms’ night.
A few weeks back, I had a bit of an epiphany—or should I say, a complete emotional breakdown—when I realized I simply couldn’t do it all or keep everyone happy. Despite my best efforts, not everyone would like me anyway. Enough was enough. I decided it was time to be pickier about my yeses and more generous with my nopes.
Let me be clear: I wasn’t exactly calm and collected about this change. I was terrified of disappointing people and, heaven forbid, them not liking me. But I was suffocating under the weight of commitments I didn’t want or need to take on. So, I decided to liberate myself with my newfound nopes.
- “Could I be the room mom for my son’s class?” Nope.
- “Could I attend your second cousin’s neighbor’s daughter’s wedding?” Nope.
- “Could I make it to your moms’ night out/sales pitch?” Nope.
- “Could I go to that big football game everyone from college is attending?” Nope (despite my desire to go).
- “Could I cook dinner tonight?” Nope. (How about grabbing Thai on the way home? That’s a resounding yes!)
A funny thing happened as I started liberating my schedule with my nopes—absolutely nothing catastrophic occurred. The world didn’t end, and people didn’t storm off in anger (if they were upset, they did a great job of hiding it). I didn’t come off as rude or nasty because, let’s be real, I’m neither of those things. I simply became more protective of my time and aware of my limits. I still managed to be polite with my nopes, often punctuating them with “no, thank you” and “thanks, but no thanks.” Sometimes I offered an explanation, and other times, I didn’t bother. Because you know what? “Nope” is a complete sentence.
There’s something liberating about reclaiming control over my life and being more selective with my yeses for the people and activities that genuinely matter. Sure, it’s tough, and I sometimes experience FOMO, but rather than attempting to please everyone all the time, I’m focusing my energy on those who respect and appreciate me in return.
And here’s the kicker: Even if I turned myself into a yes machine, not everyone would still like me. I could shower everyone with yeses and still not change that reality. The hard truth is, I can’t make every single person happy all the time. I’m not a cat video, after all. So, it’s time to stop drowning in obligations.
Nope. Not anymore.
While I may be less of a people-pleaser these days, I’m still kind and polite. This means my nopes sometimes come out sounding like, “I’m sorry, but no thanks” in a very friendly tone.
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In summary, embracing the power of “no” has transformed my life, allowing me to focus on what truly matters while still being kind and respectful.