Dear America,
Can we please put a stop to the bizarre baby names trend? Really, it’s time to reconsider. Recently, I came across the news that Olympic champion Jake Rivers named his son “Boomer.” Honestly, that name sounds more like a nickname for a pet than a human being. While it may not be outright child abuse (that’s a serious matter), it’s definitely questionable. Imagine how that kid will feel when he hears, “Boomer, come here!” or “Okay, Boomer, time for a diaper change!” It fails the “baby name test,” which involves saying the name out loud and checking how ridiculous it sounds.
Let’s face it: “Boomer” is a name that struggles to function as a human moniker; it barely qualifies as a dog name! There are so many names out there that simply miss the mark, such as Paisley (which is just a pattern), Kattelynn/Kaitelenn/Kytlynn, or anything with an unnecessary “y” added for flair. And let’s not even talk about names starting with an “X.”
We need a sensible baby name list, much like what some other countries have established. Not every unique name is terrible—Persephone and Xanthippe are lovely options. But “unique” does not equate to “fantastic.” Take the name Blade, for example: introducing yourself as Blade immediately hints that your parents were likely nerdy fans of Dungeons & Dragons. And please, spare us the “Ender”—just no.
Some folks argue that it’s the parents’ prerogative to choose names, and who are we to judge? Well, we’re the ones who have to pronounce these names without snickering. Let’s be real, we judge everyone in America, especially when it comes to names that fall into these categories:
1. Names Better Suited for Pets
Names like Boomer, Fido, and Ninja are great for pets but not for children. If you can yell it across the yard expecting a dog to come running, it’s probably not right for a kid.
2. Pretentious Literary References
Sure, we can all appreciate a good book, but naming your child Atticus? Really? It just doesn’t work.
3. Sci-Fi and Fantasy Inspired Names
Let’s be clear: your daughter is not a Khaleesi, and your son is definitely not a Lannister. Names from series like Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, and others need to be off-limits.
4. Names with Excessive “Y’s”
Adding a “y” to make a name look cooler doesn’t work. Kaytlynn, for instance, isn’t any better than Kaitlyn.
5. Anything Starting with “X”
Names like Xenon and Xarina are trendy, but let’s leave them behind.
6. Fairy and Elf Inspired Names
When you name your child things like Pixie or Fairy, it’s hard not to chuckle. Your child shouldn’t pay the price of your whimsical choices.
7. Place Names You’ve Never Visited
Naming your child Dakota, Austin, or Sierra when you’ve never even been there? Come on now.
At the end of the day, a silly name can stick with a child for life. I’m not suggesting you need to stick to names like Elizabeth or Christopher. There’s a balance to strike. Opt for something traditional or even unique, but steer clear of anything downright ridiculous.
One day, we might find ourselves in nursing homes filled with “Boomers” and “Paisleys,” and you’ll have to own that decision.
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Summary
The article humorously critiques the trend of unusual baby names in America, highlighting how many names fail the “baby name test.” It discusses categories of names to avoid, such as those better suited for pets, pretentious literary references, and those inspired by sci-fi or fantasy. Ultimately, it encourages parents to consider the long-term implications of the names they choose for their children.