I was having a chat with my friend from the local community, Jane. With her chestnut hair and petite frame, Jane is in her early 30s, just like me. Both of us are happily married; she has two kids while my partner, Alex, and I have three. Our conversation took a turn as we reminisced about friends from our past who faced challenges in various areas of their lives. We discussed those who couldn’t resist infidelity and had cycled through multiple marriages by their early 30s. We also touched on women who mirrored those patterns, friends who shunned the idea of employment, struggled with sobriety, or had spent time behind bars.
We were trying to make sense of our experiences with people who seemed to have so much potential yet never quite found it. As we talked about our own children and pondered their futures, it became clear that reflecting on the lives of others can illuminate the paths we want for our kids. It’s a common parental pastime—looking at children and predicting what might lie ahead, worrying about what interventions we should implement today to steer them clear of unhealthy habits that could hinder their success tomorrow.
The reality is, no one really has all the answers when it comes to parenting. Despite our best efforts—teaching responsibility, instilling kindness, and providing opportunities—there’s still the chance that our children could end up taking a wrong turn and becoming the “bad apple” of the family. As a father of three, the mere thought of this terrifies me. I deeply care for my children, and my greatest wish is for them to grow up to be successful and compassionate individuals. If I had to define my hopes for them, it would be this: I want them to surpass me.
I want them to become better parents than I am. I want them to earn more, be better educated, and live in nicer neighborhoods. I want them to choose partners who love them as much as they love their partners. I want them to see marriage as an equal partnership. I want them to help those in need and embrace everyone, regardless of race or gender. But getting them there will require countless decisions, lessons, and guidance at various stages of their growth. And honestly, it feels inevitable that I’ll mess something up along the way.
It gets even trickier when I think about my friends. Some had fantastic parents, yet they grew up to lead troubled lives. Others, with parents who were far from ideal, became wonderful people. This makes me question just how much influence I really have over my children’s development.
It becomes especially complicated considering my own father was viewed as the “bad apple.” He spent a significant portion of my teenage years in jail and succumbed to his addictions shortly after his fourth divorce. He had a habit of starting families like they were new business ventures, abandoning them when they didn’t work out. For a long time, I feared I might follow in his footsteps—a fear that many people actually voiced.
But so far, I haven’t. I’m not claiming to be wildly successful, but I’m in a stable marriage, I’ve never been incarcerated, I don’t drink (largely because of my father), and I earned my college degree. Much of my drive to succeed stems from a desire to break the cycle of my father’s legacy. It’s a strange thought, but I sometimes wonder if his poor choices inadvertently motivated me to strive for better.
Raising children is a complicated endeavor, and I’m not advocating for parents to simply throw up their hands and let fate take the wheel. However, I do think most parents grapple with the reality that despite their best efforts, one or more of their kids might still grow into a less than stellar adult. They could turn out to be apathetic or unmotivated, leaving you questioning where you went wrong in their upbringing. Parents love their children unconditionally, but there’s a bittersweet feeling that comes with loving someone while being disappointed by their choices. I often saw this in my grandmother’s eyes during visits to my father in jail.
In our conversation at the community center, Jane and I struggled to articulate these complex feelings. Toward the end, she complimented me on my parenting, saying, “You truly care about your kids. I don’t think you have anything to worry about.” I returned the compliment, reassuring her about her own parenting skills.
We sat in thoughtful silence, both of us calculating what we might be doing right and wrong, hoping like all parents that we could steer our children toward becoming remarkable individuals.
Ultimately, that’s what much of parenting boils down to—hope. It’s about guiding your child toward the right choices, imparting lessons, and holding onto the belief that you’re doing everything you can to help them grow into good, upstanding individuals.
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Summary
Parenting is filled with hopes and uncertainties. Despite our best efforts, even the most devoted parents can raise children who struggle in life. Reflecting on our own childhood experiences leads us to question how much influence we have over our children’s futures. Ultimately, parenting is a journey of teaching, guiding, and hoping for the best outcomes.