A few months back, I found myself yelling at my kids to hurry up so we wouldn’t miss their spring concert. I was determined to snag a good seat, and honestly, it frustrated me how much effort it took to get everyone out the door on time. I was a hot mess, but once we arrived at the school, I managed to strut in like I had it all together—heels on, smile plastered, and ready to go.
An hour later, I was in tears, watching my daughter perform on that elementary school stage for the last time. Some of those tears were from the guilt of having yelled at my kids, who looked so adorable in their concert outfits. Why can’t I keep my cool all the time? Why do I have these moments of madness followed by regret? And why do some days feel like a breeze while others are a minefield of stress?
Some days, I’m quick to say “no,” almost instinctively, before even processing what my kids are asking. Then, after thinking it through, I realize that a “yes” would have been perfectly fine, but I stubbornly stick to my “no” anyway. Other days, I change my mind and flip to “yes” after initially saying no. I know it sends mixed signals, but it just feels right at the moment.
Then there are those days when I can handle the messes without a second thought. I step on matchbox cars without batting an eye, simply enjoying watching them play. On other days, when they bring down the blocks, I find myself declaring, “Not today! Keep that mess upstairs.” Some days, I whip up gourmet meals and relish their complaints, fully aware they have the taste buds of toddlers. Other days, I slam dishes in the dishwasher, feeling like I’m cooking for ungrateful little gremlins who don’t appreciate the effort.
Sometimes, I have arguments with my partner in front of the kids, and they witness us getting angry, then making up, and occasionally, starting the cycle again. Some days, I can hold it together until they’re asleep, while on others, I find myself staring out the window, feeling grateful for my little ones.
There are days I tell them to go outside and play, multiple times, just so I can have a moment of peace. And on those quick trips to the store, I feel a wave of longing for them, even if I’ve only been gone an hour. There are moments when I sit in the parking lot, sipping soda and staring blankly, trying to muster the energy to return home.
Some days are filled with plans for fun outings with other moms, while other times, I can’t muster a conversation with anyone outside my household. Some days, I feel like a rockstar mom, while other days, I’m left feeling like a complete failure. “Not today,” I tell myself, knowing that tomorrow might not be any better.
We aren’t the same moms every day. Our moods fluctuate, sleep is scarce, and we sometimes let things slide because we’re too excited about a girls’ night out to care if the baby cries all the way to the grocery store—knowing a break is on the horizon. Yet, those same cries can make us feel utterly helpless at times.
Motherhood is a beautiful mess. It’s unpredictable and downright scary. I may not follow the parenting advice in books as closely as I should, but you know what? That’s okay. What stays constant among all the wonderful mothers I know is the love we have for our children. That love is unconditional and indescribable, and it never wavers.
So, while I may change from day to day, and my kids might be different too, the love we share remains unchanged. And for me and my crew, that’s more than enough.
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