Ah, the wild and reckless nights of my youth! I have this hazy recollection of one particular evening that stands out. Picture this: I staggered off a school bus and into a bar. Yes, you heard it right—I managed to get tipsy on a yellow beer bus tour and thought, “Why not keep the party going?” I indulged in wings, fries, and, of course, more beer. I’m pretty sure I said some utterly ridiculous things and flashed my assets at least twice (it was just the vibe back then), before piling into a friend’s car and heading to a strip club for my birthday bash.
At 26, my antics were legendary.
It was at Philadelphia’s so-called “premiere gentlemen’s club” that I really lost my cool. Between the hours of 10 p.m. and 2 a.m., things took a turn. Whether it was the rum shots or the “red-headed sluts” that pushed me over the edge—or perhaps that private dance in the champagne room—I found myself sobbing in the bathroom, lamenting my perceived flaws as a person and future mother. Before I knew it, I was surrounded by four strippers, in various states of attire, offering me consolation.
Yes, you read that right. Strippers were giving me pep talks while I sat there, tears streaming down my face. (Go ahead, chuckle. I’ll pause for a moment.)
Despite the chaos of the situation, I learned something profound that night: the concept of “bad” is utterly subjective. When it comes to parenting, “bad” is often a misleading label. Sure, there are genuinely harmful people out there, but most parents who label themselves as “bad” are simply imperfect beings striving to improve.
And here’s the kicker: I was having a meltdown about becoming a “bad mom” even before I was a mom. This dramatic episode unfolded four years before my daughter was born, yet I was already convinced I would fail at motherhood. I yearned for a child but felt unworthy of the title. I thought I was too damaged and broken to be the mom my future child deserved.
Why did I feel this way? Well, I was drowning in $60,000 of student debt and trapped in a relationship with an alcoholic. On top of that, I was grappling with mental health issues, including anxiety and depression. I genuinely believed I was too flawed to raise a child.
But those incredible women—bless their hearts—helped me flip the script. They highlighted the strengths hidden within my flaws. One woman, clad in a black bralette and matching thong, pointed out that my debt gave me perspective, teaching me the value of money. She was working her way through college to provide for her own child. Another woman reminded me that while my relationship was not ideal, it took courage to face such challenges. Yet another assured me that my mental health struggles wouldn’t make me a bad mom; in fact, they could make me a more empathetic and understanding parent.
What I saw that evening transcended the words spoken to me. I witnessed resilience, determination, and strength in these women. They were not the stereotypes we often associate with strippers; they were articulate, hardworking, and empowered individuals. They were students, graduates, and loving mothers.
Looking back, my only regret about that night is that I can’t remember every single word of wisdom they shared. Sure, I regretted getting inebriated the next morning when I had to face the walk of shame back to the club to reclaim my phone, asking the bouncers who had seen me crying for help. But ultimately, that night transformed my life, teaching me to embrace my perceived weaknesses and reminding me that I had the potential to be a good mom.
I didn’t immediately change my wild ways. I kept making questionable choices for the next few years, but those experiences shaped me. My wild years were not just a phase; they were preparation for the journey of motherhood. They taught me valuable lessons that I carry into my parenting today.
In the end, my wild years made me a better mom.
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Summary: This piece reflects on how my tumultuous past, filled with wild nights and questionable decisions, ultimately prepared me for motherhood. It highlights the importance of recognizing our flaws as strengths and how unexpected encounters can lead to profound self-discovery.