Like many, I’ve experienced my fair share of friendships fading away. Each relocation brought a wave of goodbyes, whether intentional or not. Changing schools meant leaving friends behind, drifting apart became common as our interests evolved, and conflicts sometimes created irreparable rifts. The echoes of these friendships linger in various ways, but the most profound loss came after I became a mother. Losing those connections was not just painful; it was soul-crushing. Even now, four years later, I find myself grieving not only the friendships but also the essence of who I used to be.
In our youth, friendships are often formed through circumstances beyond our control—be it school projects, extracurricular activities, or playdates. However, as we mature, we realize that friendships can be chosen, shaped by shared interests and mutual support. By adulthood, friends become those who resonate with our values, make us laugh, and encourage personal growth. They mirror our life stages, too. During art school, my circle consisted of free-spirited creatives; in my early twenties, I was surrounded by party enthusiasts. But as time passed, I longed for deeper connections, friendships that transcended late-night escapades.
When I transitioned into marriage and motherhood, I anticipated maintaining those friendships. I was determined not to lose myself in the role of a mother. I envisioned a balanced life where motherhood wouldn’t overshadow my identity as a modern, independent woman. Yet, the reality was starkly different. The arrival of my first child brought overwhelming challenges—sleepless nights and anxiety that consumed my former self. My past life, along with my social connections, gradually slipped away, leaving me feeling isolated.
The struggle was real. My depression hindered my ability to be the mother, wife, or friend I aspired to be. It wasn’t that I no longer cared for my friends; rather, I was engulfed in a world defined by nap times, feeding schedules, and the constant demands of a crying infant. Friendships, if not nurtured, fade, and that’s precisely what happened. I found myself drifting from friends who were living entirely different realities, unaware of my daily battles.
They didn’t understand why I couldn’t join them for dinner or a shopping spree. To them, it was just a night out, but for me, being away from my son felt like losing a part of my soul. I wrestled with self-doubt and fears, convinced I would never regain my previous sense of self. Fortunately, therapy and medication proved beneficial, and with time, I started to regain clarity.
I am incredibly grateful for the “mom” friends I’ve made over the years. They understood the hurdles of motherhood and offered vital support. With them, I can embrace my new identity as “Mom Jen,” sharing stories about our kids and our lives. However, I still miss my old friends dearly. It wasn’t merely the loss of those friendships that affected me; it was the loss of who I was in those relationships. I often find myself feeling more like “Jen, the Mommy” rather than simply Jen. My life has transformed—sippy cups have replaced wine glasses, and shopping trips now revolve around my kids. The spontaneity and adventure of my former self seem like a distant memory.
Now, four and a half years after the birth of my first son, I am in a much better place. I’ve embraced motherhood, yet I often reflect on the carefree person I used to be—the one unburdened by parenting schedules and responsibilities. Although fragments of that adventurous spirit occasionally resurface, I recognize that the person I once was, much like those past friendships, no longer fully exists.
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In summary, losing friends is more than just a social loss; it’s a transformation that can redefine one’s identity. While I cherish my current friendships, the memories and lessons from my past serve as a reminder of who I used to be, and the journey of motherhood continues to shape me every day.
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