One evening, my friend Lisa arrived looking like she had just come from a battlefield. She revealed that she was having an affair with someone other than her husband of two decades. They had a son together, but her feelings of unhappiness in the marriage had dulled her sense of vitality, leaving her lost and confused. She reached out to me, desperate for support as she grappled with her emotions—caught in a whirlwind of love and guilt.
By “support,” I mean she needed someone to listen without passing judgment. The situation was tearing her apart, yet she didn’t want to put an end to it. She was falling for another man while still married, caught in a dilemma of whether to stay in her marriage, leave, or take a break from both men to rediscover herself.
I’ve known Lisa for a lifetime, and she was fully aware that I’ve never been unfaithful; I’m the kind of person who believes in monogamy wholeheartedly. While she might have doubted my ability to understand her predicament, she trusted me nonetheless.
Though I personally don’t condone affairs, I recognized that she didn’t need to hear my disapproval. Just looking at her, I could see that she was already punishing herself. Affairs are more common than we’d like to admit. Sure, it would be easier if people communicated their desires openly with their partners first, but that’s often not how it goes down.
Getting swept away in passion is a frequent occurrence, and letting go of something familiar is a monumental challenge. However, I also believe in maintaining boundaries when it comes to others’ relationships. So, when Lisa confided in me, I simply listened. She wasn’t asking for advice, nor was she looking for me to scold her.
I’m all about being there for friends without casting judgment—at least not out loud, because honestly, it’s hard not to have strong feelings about such matters. She might justify her actions for various reasons, or maybe she was just seeking excitement due to boredom. Ultimately, it’s her life, and she’s entitled to her feelings.
Since I wasn’t living her life or experiencing her marriage, I felt it wasn’t my place to dictate her choices. The individuals in a relationship are the only ones who truly understand what’s happening between them. So when a friend trusts me with a secret like this, I assume they just need a sounding board. Unless they explicitly ask for help, I remain silent. Even if they do ask, I’m cautious about telling them how to live their lives—most people will do what they want anyway.
If someone is determined to change their situation, they will, regardless of my opinion. I’ve yet to meet a person who said, “My friend suggested I end this affair, so I will.” Decisions like these are deeply personal, and the person in question must feel motivated enough to make a change themselves.
After all, they aren’t having an affair for my benefit, so why would they end it just because I disagree? People’s lives are theirs to lead, and trying to untangle the mess of infidelity is a futile endeavor. I’d rather conserve my energy and focus on my own relationships, leaving others to navigate their own complexities.
Conclusion
In conclusion, while supporting a friend through an affair can be challenging, it’s essential to provide a safe space for them to express their feelings without judgment.
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