I stood 5’10” and weighed just 100 pounds, wrestling with the reality of my body. As I slipped on my beige work pants, which had felt a bit tight a year and a half earlier, I braced myself. The gap between my belly button and the zipper was a staggering four inches, and as I fastened my brown leather belt at the last hole, a wave of panic washed over me. I took a deep breath, trying to shake off the anxiety that bubbled up inside me. In the mirror of the frozen yogurt shop where I had worked for two years, I saw a frightened, thin 18-year-old who had battled an eating disorder for four long years. With high school graduation approaching and a scholarship to a prestigious fine arts school on the horizon, I felt a flicker of hope and determination to heal from my anorexia.
That day, I resolved not to let this illness tighten its grip on me any longer. I was determined to change, no matter how hard the fight would be. The following years tested my resolve, but they also shaped my character. I sought help from a psychologist, worked with a nutritionist to develop a healthier relationship with food, and consulted doctors to monitor my physical health. Slowly, I overcame my struggles with food, and I consider my transformation a miraculous journey, especially when I hear stories of others who were not as fortunate.
Time passed, and I graduated college, explored various careers, married, and grew up. The memories of my eating disorder faded into the background until they felt like a distant dream. I faced life’s challenges, learned from them, and emerged stronger.
One evening, while waiting for a parking spot at the gym, a wave of nausea hit me. This wasn’t the first time I’d felt it that day, and a small voice in my head whispered, “This is it. You’re pregnant.” My heart raced as I hurried to the grocery store. At 34, I had never been pregnant; after my struggles with anorexia, I had been told I might never conceive. The thought of not having a family had haunted me for years, so when I remembered a recent night of passion with my husband, I felt a rush of excitement.
In the bathroom of a local coffee shop, I took a pregnancy test and, to my joy, it confirmed my suspicions. I called my husband, and together we celebrated this miracle. Yet, as the initial excitement settled, anxiety crept in, bringing back the familiar fears related to losing control over my body. I was petrified of the changes that pregnancy would bring—my fit abs would stretch, I would gain weight, and my figure would transform. I felt overwhelmed and wrestled with the urge to revert to old habits I had fought so hard to overcome.
One night, feeling crushed by the emotional turmoil, I locked myself in my closet and called my mother. Through tears, I shared my struggles. Her comforting words encouraged me to speak with my midwife the next day about my history with anorexia and the challenges I was facing. To my surprise, my midwife understood my fears and assured me that many women, including those without eating disorders, experience similar feelings during pregnancy. Her support gave me the confidence I needed to embrace this new chapter.
A few nights later, I had an epiphany while grappling with my anxieties about weight gain. I realized I had already fought this battle before. I had put in the hard work and discipline needed to overcome my eating disorder. I remembered that I had slain the dragon of anorexia long ago, and it had no place in my life anymore. With that realization, I felt the anxiety lift, and for the first time in a while, peace filled my heart as I drifted off to sleep.
This experience taught me that every challenge can be overcome. We possess all the tools necessary to heal and move forward. Difficulties may resurface in different aspects of life, but we must remind ourselves that they no longer hold power over us.
If you’re pregnant and grappling with an eating disorder, know that you’re not alone. It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed. Healing from an eating disorder is a lifelong journey, and while you may overcome the eating aspects, emotional and psychological battles may persist. Perfectionistic tendencies can lead you to overcompensate in other areas, so it’s vital to maintain balance.
If you’re struggling with the fears of losing control during pregnancy, reach out to someone you trust—your partner, family, or friends—and then consult with a professional. Working with a nutritionist can help ensure you receive proper nutrition during your pregnancy. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and if I can overcome my struggles, so can you. For more support, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination here.
In conclusion, embrace your journey and know that each step forward is a victory.