From the moment a baby enters the world, after confirming all the tiny fingers and toes are present and that they’re healthy, most moms are simply praying for one thing: a good sleeper. Ideally, this would start before long—definitely not the first night or even during those initial weeks, but as soon as possible. Sleep is essential for parents to function in, well, life.
When I had my first child, she was the ultimate difficult sleeper. To clarify, she was a great sleeper at first, hitting those glorious sleep-through-the-night milestones at about five or six weeks. However, as she began to fall off the growth chart and was nearly diagnosed with failure to thrive, I ended up waking her every two hours to breastfeed. So, in a twist of irony, I inadvertently trained her to be a poor sleeper. Fantastic! Even after the wake-ups were no longer necessary, she persisted in her nocturnal demands, crying until she was sick if I didn’t respond immediately. It was a challenging two years.
Is your little one on track to become a difficult sleeper as well? Here are the five stages of grief every mom goes through upon realizing her baby might be a tough sleeper. Which stage are you in?
1. Denial
This stage often kicks in after the first few weeks. Denial is a powerful coping mechanism, and you might find yourself clinging to the hope that things will improve. Surely, it has to get better, right? You’ve heard countless stories of babies settling into sleep routines at this age, but you also have a million justifications for why yours might not be following suit: maybe your baby is hungry and growing fast, or perhaps it’s a mere sleep regression. You might even start to think that all those other parents are just exaggerating!
2. Anger
Anger can hit anywhere from a few weeks to six months in. You come to the harsh realization that this situation isn’t going away anytime soon. Every time a fellow parent casually mentions their baby’s perfect sleeping habits, an overwhelming thought floods your mind: “It’s. Not. Fair.” You may find yourself resenting those parents, and even your own family, who can’t comprehend why your child is struggling when you were supposedly a dream baby. You may even give that best-selling baby sleep guide a dirty look each time you pass it by.
3. Bargaining
This stage often leads to either hiring a sleep consultant or caving to friends who suggest methods like Ferberization. You’ll consider any option for a decent night’s sleep—even if it means resorting to questionable tactics! On the other hand, this might also be the time when you surrender and allow your baby to sleep in your bed just to avoid the endless cycle of getting up. “It’s only temporary until we get through this cold/teething/sleep regression!” you tell yourself. Spoiler alert: it’s probably not.
4. Depression
Around five to six months in, the reality of your current sleep situation hits hard. The amount of sleep you’re receiving isn’t changing anytime soon, and it’s disheartening. You may find yourself caught in a cycle of re-teaching your child to sleep every time they hit a regression, catch a cold, or start teething. This can lead to feelings of despair as it seems that intimate moments with your partner have become a distant memory. It’s a tough situation, and it feels like there’s no escape.
5. Acceptance
Eventually, you may reach a point of giving in—this can also be seen as acceptance. You might start to enjoy an extra cup of coffee in the morning and embrace the idea of dozing off during your favorite shows because it’s just how it is. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll begin to see the bigger picture. This baby won’t be a difficult sleeper forever. In a few years, they may sleep soundly through the most intense storms, even while camping. Instead of taking forever to fall asleep, your little one may crash the minute the lights go out.
However, if you’re struggling to see the long game, at least there’s always another cup of coffee waiting for you in the morning—and the afternoon.
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Summary
Navigating the journey of parenthood often involves grappling with the realities of sleep (or lack thereof). Many moms experience the five stages of grief when they realize their baby may be a difficult sleeper. From denial to acceptance, each stage reflects the emotional rollercoaster of parenting. Remember that this phase won’t last forever, and with a little patience and lots of coffee, things will improve.