Dear Nuclear Family,
I wish you could truly grasp the challenges faced by stepfamilies. It’s tough navigating through strange glances and awkward inquiries. The use of the word “real” (like “real” mom, “real” child, “real” family) stings in ways that are hard to articulate.
Please don’t misunderstand; I’m not suggesting that these comments are made with malice. Stepfamilies can be intricate and sometimes perplexing, and it’s common for people to seek clarity, sometimes inadvertently causing discomfort.
Every time I attend a school event, post in a parenting group, or simply venture out with my family, I feel like I’m dodging social landmines. I recall a supervisor once telling me I couldn’t leave work to pick up my 9-year-old stepdaughter from the airport after six weeks apart because she wasn’t my “real” daughter. There it is again.
Let me be clear: being a stepparent is the most genuine role I’ve ever embraced. I have been part of my stepdaughter’s life since she was in a booster seat, yet I can’t sign permission slips for school activities. I’m married to her father, and she has lived with us full-time for five years, but if anything catastrophic were to happen to him, I have no legal rights whatsoever.
I support her in every way possible, yet I still feel a twinge of discomfort when I introduce myself as her stepmom—not out of shame, but because I’ve seen the shift in others’ expressions when they hear that title, and it breaks my heart.
This is real. Very real.
I don’t seek sympathy; I adore my family and wouldn’t change it for the world. However, I wish more people understood what we endure. The notion that “nuclear family = normal” is insidious and omnipresent. It’s present in home decor, holiday ornaments, children’s songs, TV ads, and storybooks, and it sometimes hits very close to home.
For instance, my stepdaughter joined a club that recites certain pledges during meetings. I’ll never forget the day my husband and I attended with her, bubbling with excitement. But then came the part where she had to pledge to “respect your mother and father.” My heart sank. Of course, I want her to honor both her parents, but in that moment, I felt like an outsider, a fraud, a nobody.
It’s difficult to convey the weight of these experiences, but they are undeniably present.
I grew up in a nuclear family myself and have no intention of disparaging them. Yet, it’s striking that one in three Americans has some form of step-relationship. One in three! So why do we still treat stepfamilies with hesitation, secrecy, and judgment? Stepparents, stepkids, and stepsiblings simply want to be recognized as part of a family. It may not mirror your own family dynamics, but that doesn’t make it any less valid.
This article originally appeared on October 16, 2016.
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Summary:
The article highlights the unique challenges faced by stepfamilies in a society that often equates “nuclear family” with “normal.” It discusses the emotional weight of terms like “real” in familial contexts and advocates for understanding and respect towards diverse family structures.