I was having a conversation with a friend from my community, Laura. She has curly hair and is in her early 30s, petite and energetic. Like me, she’s married and has two kids, while my partner and I have three. We found ourselves reminiscing about some of our childhood friends who’ve faced difficulties in life. We talked about men who seemed unable to remain faithful, having gone through multiple marriages by their 30s, and women who found themselves on similar paths. We also touched on friends who struggled to maintain jobs, stay sober, or avoid jail time.
Essentially, we were trying to understand the paths of those we once knew who could have achieved more but never quite did. We attempted to connect their life choices to their upbringing, pondering what went wrong or right.
This discussion arose as we reflected on our own children and what their futures might hold. It’s natural to look at the examples around us, evaluating the successes and failures of those we grew up with, and wondering how we can ensure our kids don’t follow the wrong path. Many parents, including myself, find themselves predicting their children’s futures, worried about whether there’s something we could do now to prevent any negative habits that could hinder their success.
The truth is, no parent truly has all the answers. Regardless of how much effort we put into teaching our children about responsibility, kindness, and providing them with opportunities, there’s still a chance they could become the one in the family who doesn’t quite make it. And as a father, the thought of this terrifies me. I genuinely want my kids to grow up to be kind, successful individuals. If I were to articulate my hopes for them, it would be simple: I want them to surpass me in every way.
I want them to be better parents, achieve more professionally, attain higher education, and live in neighborhoods that reflect their hard work. I hope they find true love and view marriage as a partnership built on mutual respect. I want them to be generous helpers and to embrace everyone, regardless of differences.
Achieving this vision requires countless decisions, lessons, and experiences throughout their development. The reality is, I can’t help but feel that I’m bound to make mistakes along the way.
It gets even more complicated when I think back on my own friends. Some had what I deemed wonderful parents but still grew up to make poor life choices. Conversely, there are those who came from challenging backgrounds yet emerged as remarkable individuals. This leads me to question how much impact I truly have on my children’s growth.
Reflecting on my father, who was often viewed as the family’s black sheep, adds another layer of complexity. He spent much of my teenage years in prison and succumbed to addiction shortly after divorcing his fourth wife. He seemed to treat families like franchises, moving on when things didn’t go as planned. For a long time, I feared I was destined to repeat his mistakes, a prediction that many shared.
However, I’ve managed to carve a different path for myself. I’m not particularly noteworthy in terms of success, but I’m in a stable marriage, have never faced incarceration, and I completed my education. A significant part of my motivation to succeed stemmed from not wanting to replicate my father’s life, which I witnessed was devastating.
This realization leaves me grappling with the idea that perhaps my father’s negative example inadvertently guided me towards a better life—a rather unsettling thought.
Parenting is filled with variables, and I’m not suggesting that parents should simply step back and let fate take the wheel. However, as I often ponder, there is an undeniable sense of inevitability in raising children. No matter how hard we try, one or more of our children might struggle, leading us to question where we went wrong. It’s crucial to note that this doesn’t diminish the love we have for our kids. I know I will always love mine unconditionally, but it’s a bittersweet experience to support someone while feeling disappointed in their choices. I witnessed this in my grandmother’s eyes each time we visited my father in jail.
Ultimately, that’s what Laura and I were attempting to articulate during our conversation, albeit without fully finding the words.
As our discussion drew to a close, Laura complimented me on my parenting, saying, “You genuinely care about your kids, and I think you’re doing great.” I returned the compliment, acknowledging her dedication to her own children.
We sat in silence for a moment, lost in thought, as if we were both calculating what we’re doing right and wrong, hoping like all parents that our children will grow up to be remarkable individuals.
In essence, that’s what parenting often boils down to: hope. It’s about guiding your child in the right direction, imparting lessons, and trusting that you’ve done everything possible to raise them to be good, upright citizens.
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In summary, while good parenting is crucial, there’s no guaranteed outcome. Each child is unique, and despite our best efforts, some may veer off course. Yet, the hope we hold for them remains a powerful motivator in our parenting journey.