“Ugh! Why am I so clumsy?!” my partner mutters, glaring at the burnt toast in the toaster. I wince. “I know, I know,” he adds quickly, aware that our kids are listening. It’s tough for him to shake off the habit of being hard on himself, especially when he’s frustrated.
Over the years, we’ve had numerous discussions about how impactful our words can be, particularly how we speak about ourselves and others in front of our children. His habit of labeling himself negatively stems from growing up in an environment where criticism was commonplace—not necessarily targeted at him, but something he observed. I, too, grapple with similar tendencies of self-criticism. Many people do.
The truth is, children are always listening, even when we think they aren’t. They pick up on the way we talk about ourselves and others, often emulating that internal dialogue even more than they absorb our direct conversations with them. I recall watching an episode of a talk show featuring a mother whose daughter faced body image challenges. The mother was heartbroken, having always told her daughter she was beautiful. Yet, when asked about her own self-image, she described herself as “fat” and “ugly.” Despite her efforts to uplift her daughter, her negative self-talk had left a mark. That moment really resonated with me.
I want to protect my children from a lifetime of battling self-doubt and negative thoughts. I aim for them to be compassionate towards themselves and others. While I know we can’t shield our kids from all influences, I strive to be mindful of my words—both in their presence and when I think no one is listening. If I criticize my own body, my kids may think it’s acceptable behavior. If I call myself foolish for making an error, they’ll likely view that as normal, even if I wouldn’t dream of saying those things to them directly.
Admittedly, it’s challenging. We live in a society rife with judgment, and it’s all too easy for that negativity to seep into our homes and conversations. None of us are immune to critical thoughts, and it can be difficult to hold back our frustrations. Ultimately, it’s about being aware of the language we use, especially when our kids are within earshot.
Interestingly, being more conscious of my words has had some unexpected benefits for me personally. Stopping myself from expressing negative thoughts has encouraged a more positive outlook, impacting various facets of my life. I find that I’m more forgiving of my own flaws and more understanding of those around me. I’ve become better at recognizing critical language and how it can dampen the mood. Over time, I’ve noticed a shift in my internal dialogue as well—my self-talk has become gentler.
While I can’t guarantee that monitoring my language will eliminate my children’s struggles with self-criticism, I believe words hold significant power. I’ve seen the consequences of growing up surrounded by negativity, and I prefer to foster an environment of encouragement. They’ll encounter enough criticism and negativity from the world outside; I don’t want to add to it.
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Summary
In this article, Emma Thompson reflects on the importance of avoiding self-critical language around children. Citing personal experiences and societal influences, she emphasizes how children absorb the words they hear and the lasting impact this can have on their self-esteem. By consciously choosing positive language, parents can foster a more supportive environment that encourages self-compassion in their children.