“What’s she like? How does she interact with the kids?” a friend recently asked about my ex-husband’s new girlfriend. As she navigates the emotions of seeing her children spend time with another woman who has captured their father’s heart, I can relate to her curiosity.
I’m not immune to the impulse to check out this woman who has entered my children’s lives. If you were in my shoes, you’d likely feel the same way. After scrolling through photos of her with my kids—sitting on her porch, in our old family car, and traveling to Florida with tags like #family and #love—I felt a mix of emotions that I sometimes wish I didn’t have to confront:
It feels unjust. Those are my kids, not hers; they belong to me.
My friend looked at me in disbelief, wondering how I could remain calm while she openly embraces my children, calling them her #family. The harsh reality hits hard. What must people think? Surely they assume I’m broken-hearted in a corner somewhere while another woman enjoys moments with my kids—moments I feel should be mine alone.
Yes, I’ve had my share of overwhelming moments—like when I cried so much that I regretted the delicious cupcakes I’d just eaten. I’ve faced tough nights when she greeted my kids at the door after they spent a joyful day with me, leaving me unprepared to say goodbye. The tears would sting my eyes, forcing me to pull over until I regained composure.
However, what keeps me grounded is the understanding that love isn’t finite. The affection my ex’s girlfriend shows my kids (which has been ongoing for over two years) doesn’t diminish my role as their mother. Her love enriches their lives, and for that, I feel grateful. Knowing they are cared for and supported by her allows me to breathe easier, confident they won’t face neglect or unkindness in her presence.
Love fosters growth. It doesn’t negate my bond with them; it adds to it. This is not a contest to see who can provide the most for my children. Their hearts are not commodities to be exchanged, nor are their feelings something we can juggle. This isn’t a game where they have to choose between two women who only want the best for them.
I’m navigating my own reality, and I embrace the moments when she wants to FaceTime my daughter before her first semi-formal dance to admire her dress. I’ll gladly reach out to her when my daughter needs essentials like tampons and Advil while staying with her—no worries about hurt feelings, as we all have the kids’ best interests at heart. In these moments, there’s no need for a scoreboard.
Love is fluid and words like “family” hold their meaning in this context. Blood ties don’t define our situation. What matters is teaching my children that family and connection are things we make space for when they arrive, as they are rare and precious gifts.
As their mother, I must set an example. I need to allow her to love them fiercely and let my kids love her back just as deeply. This approach resonates with me, as the alternative—gripping tightly and seeking validation—is not something I want for myself or for them. Crying to the point of losing the delicious cupcakes I enjoy isn’t how I wish to spend my time.
For more insights on navigating complex family dynamics, feel free to explore our other articles at Home Insemination Kit. And for authoritative information on fertility, check out Make a Mom and Facts About Fertility.
In summary, embracing the bond my ex’s partner has with my children has been a journey of growth. Recognizing that love expands rather than divides has allowed me to cultivate a healthy relationship for the sake of our kids.