In my early years, I grew up in a household where children were expected to be seen and not heard. There was no room for arguments, and we attended church every week without fail. I could only wear jeans to school if they were brand new and pristine. At just ten years old, I was labeled a conservative Republican, a term I didn’t grasp but accepted without question. My sisters and I learned to obey without hesitation. I often thought to myself, “I will never parent this way. I refuse to be a strict parent! My kids will have the freedom to do as they please.”
However, everything shifted when my parents divorced during my junior high years. The atmosphere at home became much more relaxed, allowing me to finally breathe a sigh of relief. It was liberating, and I craved that feeling.
I’ve always been the loudest in my family, and as a child, I often felt a bit out of place (that feeling hasn’t vanished). There were times in church when I fantasized about standing on the pews, lifting my ruffled Sunday dress, and letting out a scream just to see the reactions of those around me. I loved being a little rebellious. Yet, once I became a parent, I found myself inadvertently adopting some of the rigid parenting styles I had vowed to avoid.
Not entirely, of course. I always wanted my children to feel free to embrace their beliefs and identities, both now and in the future. But I noticed myself becoming overly uptight in public and having unrealistic expectations regarding their diets. I caught myself hovering and overprotecting them, even though I had once felt stifled by such behavior as a child.
Nobody wants to raise a disrespectful child or be the parent of the kid who teaches your child something inappropriate. Yet, I also didn’t want to be so strict that my kids missed out on opportunities to express themselves. I found myself making rules that were impossible to enforce. For instance, once while driving to a birthday party, my son misbehaved, and I threatened to deny him cake as punishment. That was just unfair to the sweet mom who organized the party and prepared a feast of sugary treats.
Of course, kids need guidance, but I was leaning too far into rigidity. It can be challenging to strike the right balance as a family, something all parents are navigating.
Growing up in a certain way often influences how you choose to raise your own children. I’ve found myself wanting to incorporate some positive lessons from my upbringing while also striving to avoid the negative aspects. Watching my kids partake in activities I was once forbidden to do has been both unsettling and liberating.
This summer, I began saying “yes” to more spontaneous moments. I learned to let go of trivial anxieties, like allowing my kids to enjoy a soda or not demanding immaculate rooms. I realized I was pushing too hard when my son pointed out that I always insisted on perfection. His words struck a chord, and I recognized the truth in them. I never want my kids to think that perfection is the goal in life. In reality, we learn the most from our mistakes and failures. I was being overly controlling, and I needed to ease up.
I had established too many insignificant rules. In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter if the beds are unmade or if I vacuum under the sofa? If my kids want to sleep in their clothes to save time in the morning, why should I care? I often found myself nagging incessantly. There were times I couldn’t stand the sound of my own voice, saying things like, “Go change your clothes.” Seriously, that second outfit often ended up dirtier than the first!
So, I’ve chosen to loosen my grip a bit. My children don’t require my constant supervision. This doesn’t signify that I’m a bad parent, nor does it mean they’ll grow up to be disrespectful. They need to develop their own voices, not mimic mine. They are unique individuals, not robots. They should enjoy being messy, and if they accidentally burp in public, it’s not the end of the world (as long as they remember to say excuse me, of course).
Times have changed since my childhood. The mantra of “children should be seen and not heard” is outdated and misguided. I understand that my parents raised me in a certain way, shaped by their own upbringing, which is likely why they started off strict. However, experiencing moments of rigidity with my own children has reminded me of how it felt to be constrained. I refuse to let my kids feel that way constantly. Sure, we’ll have our moments of discipline, but they shouldn’t be the norm. I want them to feel comfortable expressing their opinions respectfully and standing firm in their beliefs.
It’s crucial for them to understand that they don’t have to comply with an adult just because of age. Sometimes, adults make poor choices and try to persuade kids to act against their better judgment. I want my children to have the courage to say no, to seek help, and to avoid precarious situations rather than blindly obeying authority figures.
I still want them to grow into respectful and capable adults, and I can achieve that while stepping back a little. In a nutshell, I’ve started to care less about trivial matters. I’ve focused on nurturing good kids without being overly uptight, and I can honestly say we’re all happier for it—especially me.
For more insights into parenting, check out this excellent resource on infertility and home insemination.
Summary:
The author reflects on their upbringing in a strict household and how it influenced their initial parenting style. After recognizing the need to loosen their grip and allow for more freedom, they began to focus on fostering independence and self-expression in their children. By eliminating unnecessary rules and encouraging their kids to be themselves, they found greater happiness and balance in family life.