Dear friend,
I’m reaching out to you not from a particular place, but from a moment in time — a space of serenity and tranquility that I never thought was possible. I understand what you’re going through because I’ve walked that path myself. I’ve battled relentless, troubling thoughts that felt like they were forced into my mind by some unwelcome entity. I’ve experienced the suffocating grip of anxiety pressing down on my chest, and the paralyzing fear of the irrational obsessions that leave us desperately seeking control. For far too long, I carried that unbearable burden alone. I too have obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Let me be clear: this letter isn’t meant to suggest that OCD simply fades away with time — it doesn’t. However, it can improve. You deserve a better life, but the first step is to reach out. Remember, you don’t have to face this alone.
I know how terrifying your thoughts can be. I understand that they can feel overwhelming and often don’t feel like your own. But they exist, and you need to confront them. That’s why I’m here, encouraging you to take that initial step — the first step I wish I had taken sooner in my own journey.
Let’s take that first step together because no one should navigate this alone. You, my friend, will seek help. Whether you turn to a professional or confide in a family member, the choice is yours. As I accompany you on this path, I’m also taking a significant step in my life — one I’ve delayed for 23 years: I will openly share my irrational fears and experiences with you.
Here are some of the things I’ve kept secret, bound by fear and shame:
- As a child, I avoided knives, terrified I might harm someone without meaning to.
- I would skip in place at the mall to fend off intrusive thoughts, breathing in when I saw a woman and breathing out when I saw a man, holding my breath in between.
- Whenever someone I disliked touched me, I felt compelled to wash my hands, fearing I would inherit their traits.
- I washed my hands so frequently that my skin would peel like a snake’s.
- Often, I’d find myself staring at my car for ten minutes, only to return repeatedly to check if I left the lights on or the doors unlocked. Some days, I’d check everything four or five times.
- Once, I spent four hours cooking a simple meal because I had to disinfect every item multiple times. I was terrified of salmonella.
- I feared that if I didn’t check the door seven times before bed, someone would break in and harm my family.
- Even when ready to sleep, I sometimes had to wash my hands to quell intrusive thoughts.
- When anxiety peaked, I would pull my hair while staring at myself in the bathroom mirror.
- I avoided pets and children out of fear I might inadvertently hurt them.
- I did all of this in secret, burdened by shame.
I have managed to overcome many of these irrational fears and compulsions. Even on tough days when anxiety looms large, I’ve learned to acknowledge those intrusive thoughts as just that: thoughts. I recognize them and then let them pass. I wouldn’t have reached this point without the support of psychologists, medication, and my wonderful family.
I refuse to hide any longer due to fear of judgment. I’m done with the stigma surrounding mental health, and I’m finished pretending that OCD is something I can ignore. Let’s stop pretending together. Please take that first step. Don’t do it for me; do it for the people you love. Most importantly, do it for yourself.
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In summary, taking the first step toward managing OCD can be daunting, but it is essential for your well-being. You are not alone in this journey, and seeking help is a vital part of healing.